It's 10.15pm. Kids hould have been in bed 2 hours ago. Akshaya had gone to bed by 9. Saro had knocked off by 8.30 he was exhuasted. The younger two had just come in. I popped into the bathroom. In the two min i was there they had started a huge row over bolsters. Full works screaming yelling. Saro wakes up I come out mad. Just two min and you two start fighting! Can't you see your dad is sleeping. I wanna put you to bed happy but you make me scold you. (Quite a nag)
They quieten down..ashwin in tears.
I'm grumpy too. Saro has calmed down and rubs Ashwin's back. I hug aishu. I somehow do it wrong. Because late nights you hug little people wrong according to them. I get a bit snappy she gets a bit whiney.
The brother tells me.. aatha She needs milk that's why she-'s cranky.
He doesn't want me getting mad with her! They had just been fighting but now he doesn't want me mad at her. He takes pin to speak calmly.
Then she starts.She tells me. Why weren't you kind to Akshaya like how you're with Ashwin? You didnt read a book to her and all. He pipes in. Ya. She was more sick than me. You don't love her like you love me.
Man I'm getting mad haha. Coz I was tired k. In retrospect they are being totally cute.
I was like I'm doing what I can ok! And I scooted off to the far end so I'm not between these two .
And she starts crying. Saro tries to comfort her. (He's been in the bathroom now see. All kinds of stuff happen when you pop into the bathroom)
She says no she wants aatha. And cries. I am not budging. Fed up with them. Spent whole day with them did art and craft and all and now they were whiney. Saro says he was rudely woken up and now had to deal with three kids. That's me. Not Akshaya. He tells Ashwin to go over and thatti kodu me. ashwin starts wailing saying no! I hate aatha. Because she's making Aishu cry!
Then he says aatha you are all alone now right that's how aishu feels too!
Im totally stunned I step out of it. Hey I'm supposed to be the adult anyway. But here this 6 year old is in genuine tears because his mom made his sis cry!!!!! I love them. And telling me how she must be feeling. It's true. When I was crying all I wanted was someone to hug me! And here I was leaving them to cry it out!!!!!! I shout out thank you Ashwin!
Now I'm ok. I go over to them for a group hug. Ashwin is still mad at me and refuses. Aishu and I hug. And while lying down she tells me... I heard you cry Aatha. I heard your tears fall . When I heard that i wanted to cry too. When I see sharanya cry I feel like crying too. I asked her why. She says because I love sharanya and I love you. So when you cry I feel crying too.
Break heart break. She goes on
I heard you say thank you to Anna and then I heard your tears fall. When I heard that i wanted to come and hug you but i also didnt.
She's amazingly articulate about feelings that are hard for adults to express. And so childlike and beautiful in how she says it. She says she felt for me wanted to comfort me even as she was hurting but couldn't come over to comfort me as she was a little bit mad and hurt by me. That's complex!!!
I love them so much.
When she said the I dont love you I wasn't mad anymore. I just said I love you.
Sweet babies ! They fight but protect each other fiercely!
The other day i had hit Ashwin coz I was mad at him and she came out later and pummelled me hard saying I wish we had a different mother!
