anger

i nearly crashed the car today in my foul temper

setting such a bad example for son as to what to do when upset

scream speed terrify the other

I would hate for him to do that to anyone

I would hate to have anyone do that to me

I'm not fully sure what happened 

it felt like I needed to live without expectations from anyone at all

I maybe was relying too much on my kids in an effort to free myself from needs and expectations related to the hubby

so I expected him to be happy to explain some science to me with a real life specimen. 

he is just a child. bored of science. eager to go . 

must have been so shocking for him

ashwin teaches me so much

as usual ashwin has taught me something important and personal 

let me start with yesterday first

he had a short day and was home  by 2. I only came home at 8 he was eating dinner I popped in asked him how he was and went off to discuss lit essay with akshaya then went off to pick up aishu then came home dead tired. lay down and both aishu and akshaya came to me and we laughed and joked and I fell asleep. I woke up again after 20 min or so and called ashwin over to sleep and he came in crying. saying nobody had even said one word to him the whole day. he had just been doing his work the whole aft quietly in his room..my helper had misunderstood him ar dinner and she was mad at him. 

the poor child! 

to say and feel that no one had spoken to him! made me realise the times I go into his room to lie down and chat is so important. he feels valued as a person. otherwise he just feels like a cog in the machine. I must at least call and talk to him on days I'm working at office or coming home late. I felt so sad. 

the other day he said best part of day was me volunteering to put him to bed and not me and saro auctioning him off coz we are too tired. 

all this tells me how important it is to be fully present and awake with our kids at night! tough call.