Today i was mad. She was sick. And my mum and her siblings left her alone. I was grumpy at home
He asks are you sad for me or for you?
In munnar saro gave a mighty sneeze while going down a hill and she says appa is going to sneeze us all the way down
My sweetheart
Everyday i thank God for you
22nd dec is easily the happiest day in my life. For you came into my world this day. after years of prayer you arrived as god's most precious gift
Amd created in me waves of feelings i have never experienced before
To love another being like this i have never felt
I thought i knew love. Then you came. And then i knew love that can never be described. So ... full so unbreakable yet so fragile
You taught me how much love my parents had for me.
When i first knew you wwre inside me i could hardly contain myself for excitement. I had a seed of life actually growing inside me. Then you were out. Next to me on my cot as they wheeled me to my ward. You were real and yet unreal. Perfect. Complete. And next to me. Akshaya. My life . My love.
And now you are nine. Nine. You have taught me so much these 9 years. My own culture heritage. The Ramayana. You brought me closer to these. Opening up whole new vistas for me.
Your care. Your sense of responsibility. These never cease to amaze me. You reach out to care for me your appa your siblings with such a genuine touch. I love you darling. For who you are. And.. only now are you 'my daughter'. You are a beautiful perfect soul entrusted to me as a gift from God. I only pray everyday i do my best to guide you as i am meant to so you become the person you are meant to become. I don't own you. I am just blessed to have a small part to play in your life.. and that is by the grace of God. Thank you darling for coming into my life and being all that you are, for bringing me closer to god and giving me a chance to know you, hold you, love you. May god bless you abundantly always.
Highlights for kids
1. Cows and goats and dogs and pigs and donkeys on streets
2. Elephant blessings in Kunakudi then Meenakshi Amman temple
3. Monkeys all around in Azhagar Kovil -having breakfast in a giant "cage" watched in close proximity by a monkey at Pazhamudhir Cholai, monkeys acconpanying us in the forst enroute to the natural spring at top of hill
4. Elephant ride at temple with huge vishnu
5. Climbing the mountain in Saravana Poigai
6. Feeding goats by hand at Pillayarpetti
7. Cute (a bit mad?) Cow at the beach at Thiruchandur... first called the cuckoo maadu until Ashwin got mad on its behalf and threatened to hit us if we call it cuckoo again! It jumped around at beach and scared them
8. Playful puppy drinking milk from mummy dog near temple at Thiruchandoor. Another puppy konjing its mother.
9. Horse rides in Marina Beach
10. Elephant rise at munnar
11. Super cottage at munnar
12. Scary ride down and up hill at night at munnar
He had diarrhoea on our way back from india and saro was looking after him cleaning him up and so on. At 5 am he tells his father.. "its not easy being a parent right?" Saro is shocked! And he starts tearing up. "Its not nice to see other people's bums but if you are parent you have to".
We just have to hug this gem. To empathise with us when he's sick and miserable... just amazing. God's precious gifts.
On our trip up to munnar- treacherous curves late night narrow roads... i was praying practically non stop. And this little fellow pipes in to the sister "i dont mind if i die. Im happy to see god!". Such purity of faith here. Thats the spirit we all should have when its time to meet the maker! I love him so much!!
And then he asks me if i love cakes more or him more!!! He checks my face worriedly to see if i mean it when i say cakes and he cuddles up and says "no you are lying aatha i know because you are smiling!"
And then he asks... you love god more than you love your children right aatha?
Now thats a tough one. My instinct is to say ... to love you is yo love god. There is no difference. You are god's gifts i love you as i love Him.
But... haha this is a moment of reckoning for me maybe. When i was a kid i prayed and i remember telling god i will always love him first followed by my parents and my brother. Indeed ive often wondered about that when i think about the love for saro and kids. Mentally i would do a shuffling. God first then family. I still don't have am answer to my son's questions...
Heres where we went:
Day 1: arrive at chennai. Headed to tailors. Kids headed to rooftop with devi athai
Day 2: see iyya with my parents. Kids sing most of Sasthi Kavasam to Iyya making him smile.
Then to aaya's home to see aaya annamalai arun nandhan somu and payya iyya and padma aaya!
Motorcycle rides with the uncles.
Beach fun. Waves getting soaked. Horse rides. Carousel rides. Shooting balloons.
Day 3: chill at home. night train to sivagangai. Ashwin sleeps alone in train on a berth. Kids like three cute monkeys on the third deck together
Day 4: alavakotai. Kids help clean up place. Excited about the old house.
Then to kunakudi . Got blessings from elephant. Aishu gpt upset we left her akone in the car coz sje was slerping. Then pillayar petti. Gorgeous karpaga vinayagar. Kids fed goats.
Then home to lunch
Then to kaliamman temple and kannathal temple. Golden chariot.
Baby wakes up at 5.30 and says. Aatha my pants are wet.
A second later "i didnt go kinching"!
Sweetie pie. At 5.30 all i can is okay its okay yes you didnt go kinching
Yesterday night akshaya was cranky grumpy. I got mad at her told her to go to bed and that she must be fast asleep in 10 min.
Ashwin waits a while then tells me seriously "Aatha... she cant fall fast asleep in 10 min. Only fall asleep. To fall fast asleep it will take 15 min. "
Later he snuggles up to me and says "akka is always like that when she's tired.. i don't mind"
Such care and understanding!! Love my little ones so much
Right. Everytime i ask them questions at bed time i fall asleep! Not very encouraging. Today i sat with them after i came home from work and wr talked for 45 min! Around the 4 qn which now include a few more that allow them more options...
1. Is there anything you'd like to tell me about today?
2. What's a funny thing that happened today?
3. What's your fav part of the day
4. What's your least fav part?
5. What's your question for the day?
6. What's one kind thing you did today?
7. What made you smile today?
8. Who's your best friend for today?
9. Is there anything else you'd like to say about today?
Isn't this list just brilliant!!!
And apparently on days i was too tired to ask them akshaya has been asking herself the questions!
And now ashwin wants to keep a diary and he's writing about the funny thing that happened to him!
The other night Ashwin was by the window . We heard an ambulance go by. I asked him to come in to brush his teeth or something equally mundane. He said "shh! You are disturbing me!"
I was like.. disturbing you! How? He's staring out of the window!
Then he says
"I'm praying for whoever needs the ambulance"
And i am speechless... again.
If i has stopped to pause and ponder i too may have worried about whoever needed the ambulance. But i heard it and did not pause- did not listen if you will. He reminds me to be aware and think and pray for others even if we don't know them. An ambulance is a sign of of distress for somebody. On the road we can get out of its way... not obstruct its path to help. At home... we can pray for those who need its support.
The call of the ambulance is a call for prayer
He literally shakes when he speaks with me
I am so so so sad
Its going to take time to earn back his trust
He shivers when he sees me find out something wrong he's done
I must control myself.
Asks why we wanted to have kids
Said we love kids wanted to feel young again
He said you will still grow old
True i say
Then he drops it
So you didn't want kids jusy to scold them!!
With a sheepish smile too. No sarcarsm. Genuine wondee
She comes home and says just straight... when i ask her who painted her nails was it iyya.. she says... aaya. Iyya is always busy with his phone. He loves me but doesnt look after me!
Then she thinks for a bit and says
Maybe its an important message! Taking trouble over the word important
And the other day when i told her to cover her mouth while coughing so germs don't escape... she thinks a bit and says appa never told me why i should cover my mouth.
She utterly charmed her brother by scolding me for scolding him and saying I'm not giving him time to think... such a little sweetheart really
Yesterday she exclaims she can't wait to grow up and drive by herself in a car so she can listen to all the songs she wants
He's my darling. Such a sensitive soul
Yesterday he was beaming saying "i'm so confident right Aatha!"
I had been praising him for going up on stage to dance, for figuring out how to get balls out of a broken glass, for asking questions at a play, for making new friends...
Then at a function to celebrate someone's 80th birthday he asks when is he going to die??!??!??!?
Mortified. We had to educate him on the spot that that was not the thing to say! But innocent he was. Asking matter of factly without the burden of the fears and worry attendant upon death. Cherishable moment i guess.
Up to yesterday he wanted to be an actor. As of yesterday he wants to be a singer like sp balasubramaniam..says he wants to learn singing till he's 25 or more.
I am so proud of him.
The other day in bed he said hes god worst blessing. So sad. The picture of him says god's sweetest blessing. His self esteem is something i have to work on
Currently ignoring his bad behaviour is working wonders.
He's so precious.
He wont be hugged in public already!
He says such sharp poetic things
Makes such astute observations
He says i wish the earth were flat theni could just walk off it
I say aunty is mor comfortable in her room is it and he says she's not more comfortable she's just used to it
So kids hear a song. Kurai ondrum illai. Sung by ms subbulakshmi
Akshaya grimaces
I dont like her voice
(I gasp turn to look at her wide eyed)
Ashwin says
But her voice is not bad for an okd kady's what!!
I hide my face in my pillow and decide to write this down.
One day
I'lll show my son.. who is learning Carnatic vocals by the way... that he said the legendary M S Subbulakshmi sang alright for an old woman.
To be a mum is to get up in the middle of the night to
Find a teddybear and make milk for one baby
To give a cuddle and whisper soothingly to another baby
To brush off a violent arm swung at you in deep sleep as nothing more than a strand of stray hair from yet another
To stop the work of the boss in the middle of the night
And do the work of a mother
And to wake up and wake them up ans get them to school and get the self to work and to feel just a little under that wirk jas not been done
But work has been done
For a mothers work is to tuck in and love her babies
RHe's still too cute at 6 years old.
1. Super into rajini songs now. Sings his version of the padayappa song
"Vetri kolla kattai"..!!! Still learning Tamil see.
And madayappa
And nerrupu da.. nerunga da parpopm nerunguna pasikira kootam!" Makes comedy unintentionally
2. He called me to say bye coz he felt about how he had hung up on me before!
3. He tells his grandfather he"s glad he has no older brother! When my dad asks him why.. aren't you a good big brother he smiled mischeviously!
Update. Seems he saw his friends older brother whacking him!
4. He's into waking up early. As always. Now if we dont wake him up at the time we say the night before he gets into a fit saying he cant trust anyone! So have explained to him he needs to be reasonable too. He needs actually 10 hours of sleep. Will compromise for 9 hours but not less.
Update. Has learnt to set alarm clocks
So happy you started teaching us half way in the year
I really enjoy
The maths adventures
The points
The card that you have me for children's day
The effort you put in so everybody enjoys their lessons
I like to write compos more now because i can be more creative with your guidance
Thank you and hope you will be my teacher again next year
She asked saro to ask the 4 qn at 8 Am!
He was like what? Day has hardly begun.
Shall we tall about yesterday?
No aatha always asks about today.
She reminds him of qn 1. He asks
What was your favorite part of today
When you and aatha hugged me and kisses me together.
What was your least fav part?
Waiting in the queue to be hugged and kissed
What's your qn for the day
Why did akka say she can't do it?
We had been encouraging Akshaya for her gep exam earlier that day and kisses her together first.
5.30am
I give her milk
She finishes it and asks
You said you will give me mum mum and go brush your teeth? Go brush your teeth. I'm not scared. When in alone I just think of Krishna !
Few min later..
When you sing to one God
All the gods can hear you too
My sweet angel she is
Direct from heaven above!
There's this little girl who lives in a little wooden house right at the top of a small hill. A perfect little green hill. And right at the top is a little wooden house
The girl loves there with her mum her dad and her cat. They love living at the top of the hill.
When her goes to work he climbs up through the chimney and puts on his glider wings first one arm then the other and he flies to work
The mother sits o her tobagon and slides down the hill to go to work
The little girl sits in her tobagon the other side and slides whee to the bottom then swims across the lake to get to school
The cat stays home and makes yummy dinner for them. Pastas and pizzas and cakes.
Then when it's time to come home the mum comes back to the bottom of the hill. The girl swims back to the bottom the hill. They hold on for their tobagon . But it's hard work climbing up the hill!!!
So the cat throws down this bright colourful super long blanket down to both sides.. holding on to the middle. Then she pulls heave ho heave ho pulling the mum and the little girl up until both mum and girl crash together in a big giant hug! Then dad flies down. They have dinner and sing around the cat who does so much for them. We love you kitty! And kitty you love us! Then they all go to sleep !
He used to be so afraid of gym class.
Now he's in year 2 and enjoying it. Am so proud of him
He and karthi did some gymnastics stunts for kalai nigalchi. Cartwheels. Karthi did a split too.
All's Good!
Yesterday evening... saro And I both iu got home near 8. But it was ok. He got Ashwin to read tamil. I helped Akshaya with fractions and wiwit was teaching aishu to write her alphabet.
Rich learning even though. It was late at night. Kids slept around 9.10 to 9.30pm
Aishu coughed and coughed and I prayed and prayed she wouldn't throw up. She didnt.
So today I had wanted to get to work early
Finish the PowerPoint presentation
Complete a ton of work on my to do list
Saro dropped Akshaya off
I could have left
Then the little cry of the little one pulls me back
I go lie down with her
.make up a fun silly story while she drinks her milk
The story to distract her from her distress- a mosquito bite on her arm not letting her fiddle with her belly button while she drinks her milk!
Then time goes by and by
I finally leave
She makes me sit at the sofa
It's too squeezy near the door she says
Then he hugs me and kisses me - sweet light wet kisses on both cheeks and tickles me under the chin ... today's bonus she does it three times!
And I don't care anymore about being late for work or about the PowerPoint presentation
My kid kissed me and hugged me three times before I left ! Wouldn't trade that for anything in the world!!!!
Where do I start?
She's says a hundred cute things a day! She's only 3.5
She was trying to write Tamil letters the other day. Her wish . She was trying the first letter AA. I suggest EE. I said that's easy . She protested. It's not easy! It's easy for you but not easy for me. Theory of relativity!!
Then she thinks "now" spells captain Jake and the Netherlands pirates. Have no heart to break it to her. Coz she sees "showing now captain Jake etx"
Last night she learnt to draw a snowman and she's so proud of it!
Yesterday saro and Akshaya were playing chess. I was encouraging Akshaya to play her best and said "don't be kind to him"
Aishu pipes up indignantly "why can't we be kind to him he's our father!"" And I'm speechless
.and then she was showing us the way yo her aayas house. She knows they way and tells us where to go straight and when to turn
She say " just go straight and turn where the grass is broken!" So apt. I never saw the divider and u turn that way!
So the kids are hooked on the game of life. And one card requires them to give an honest compliment to everyone. Both Akshaya and Ashwin didn't know what to say to each other Haha!
Hi sweetheart
Happy 6th birthday
Such a joy watching you grow.
Always the active one the one who feels so much
The one who paused his crying to say "I'm crying so much!"
The one who shook his tiny fist so hard coz milk was late to him
Who said jiggujigga every time he was happy
Who asks me the tough new questions and makes me learn along the way
Who thought to be thankful for gardeners who planted the gardens by the way
Sweet fellow . I love you darling
The younger two were sharing how they were sometimes like mr jelly sometimes like mr bump etc
I told aishu she was sometimes little miss chatterbox and she said no. She asks "do I look like a box to you? Does my hand look like a chat?
Hahahajaj
The kids did well.
The costumes were great
The choreography was cool.
The theme was a success.
We all had fun! Kids rocked !
Two weeks of practice.
As heck! All these stilted sentences! Truth is I'm super proud of all the kids!!!
Akshaya wanted to go for a sleepover and I made her feel bad. I feel bad for doing that. It's just that I miss her. But I must absolutely let her go.
I just told her the story of how appa and aatha gave me a hard time when I wanted to go play badminton saying I wanted to grow up too fast! Then ironically i play the same game with her. Poor child!
Then... I see Ashwin and I see myself in school. The one not chosen for games . He wants to join and feel included. But he's not one of those popular kids. Evenin the temple . Shruthi and akshaya and Karthik even don't openly welcome him. Partly coz he messes with their rules or irritates them Haha! But still. My heart goes out to him.
We were at gokul and having dinner. They served us silver plates with round cut outs of banana leaves.
Baby aishu asked "why are they serving us food on Lily pads?"
And today morning. She said I think i will lie like this under the blankets until I am warm. I said that's a good plan. She said that's not a plan that's a think.
I love talking to akka the most
I love playing with aishu the most.
I love hugging aatha the most
I miss appa the most
I love aunty the most
And aishu pipes in
He loves the person who feeds him that's why he loves aunty the most!
Yesterday my sweet heart taught her younger brother to start his cycle himself. It's a heavy bike and just a little bit high for him.
I was at work.
She watched him. Noticed a regular error. That he tried to put both feet on pedals too quickly. Addressed that. Then noticed he tended to swerve. Asked to look straight ahead.
Then gave him a target to get enough practice. 10 times. He did it 20. And counted it his best part if yesterday!!!
Am so proud of Akshaya. And Ashwin.
Yesterday I saw how hurt my son was by me and it cut me.
We had had a long and tiring weekend.
Coming home near 8pm Ashwin stated asking interesting math addition questions a d for some reason akshaya5 couldn't answer a simple qn. Instead if letting it go I took it like a personal affront and insisted she get the answer. My time was demeaning and insulting. I made her cry. .
Once we got off Ashwin' s face was really down. He said softly . I shouldn't have asked those questions.
Then he said I should have said code red to you. that was supposed to be our code word for each other when we were loa8ng control.
Then At home he said I didn't like the way the day ended. We played some jigsaw to make up . But ... I hope he's okay and recovers. And I hope I don't forget the pain I inflict on them with My words and actions.
I'm blessed with my lovely children.
Aishu has hfmd. It's quite bad. And I feel sad about it.
She's quarantined at my mum's house. Which she sees as a kind of holiday hahah. And rubs it in on the phone with the brother and sister. Says I'm having so much fun here! When to me she said she wanted to go back home!
Ashwin is writing a poem for school. He's quite proud of it. Taking lots of effort with hand writing. And he's got a set of drawings to go with it.
Akshaya wrote her own poem too.
A funny one about Sun having fun eating a bun!
My Akshaya is such a darling . She wrote an awesome compo yesterday. She was not in a mood to but she did it anyway.
Aaya scolds but iyya doesnt. I think god is like iyya!!
And aishu hit m with a simile that day.
You are using the comb like a knife on my head
Yesterday i took half day off to spend time with the kids.
It was so nice. Ashwin is super excited about reading his first chapter book. Cock a doodle doo sultana!
He's at chapter 3 and top of the world. he said it was the best thing of all for him yesterday My so excited to see that.
Then I borrowed a book on sea turtles for him. He liked it so much! Said thank for getting it. Such a sweet child.
Aishu told me this morning. Aatha Anna and I love to play with you can you go to work at 10 o clock? Heartbreaker.
I just chilled with them and made a lumpy coffee cake .
Did science experiments with akshaya. She decide what to investigate and had various hypothesis. Which would float which would not. Analysed findings tested another hypothesis. Do all plastics float? New conclusions. She said that was her fav part of the day.
So... from what all three said... I feel they liked having me stay home. I didn't have to do special fun things. Just make the everyday fun. I love then
Ashwin darling. He ate at gokul and exclaimed "this chicken is magic! It turned me vegetarian!"
And yesterday we were discussing the difference between being proud of yourself and being proud. And then he asked " can we proud of God?"
How to answer his questions. Really. We don't usually think of being proud of God maybe because God is just so high above us. He's the creator of all things including us cam we be proud of him?
I love ashwin for these questions he asks!
At night I told him how siamala aunt wants me hug him for his comment on the magic chicken from gokul. And he said... actually I was kidding there no such thing as magic!!!"
What?? No way!! I don't want my magical 5 year old already jaded!!!
He went on to say even magicians just use tricks.
I said that may be true but he's never to say there's no such thing as magic! He is proof of magic. He suddenly appeared in my stomach!
My darling! I hope he stays as sweet and charming as ever.
Aishu ate chips and announced asthma my hands are chippy! One hand is chippy the other is bissy ! (Coz she was eating biscuits )
Then she was sick one day and asked if I could stay home and play with her instead of going to work.
When i said yes sure she said " I'm so happy! You can play with Anna too. He will also be so happy that you are home! !"
That's a lot of empathy for a three year old OK!
The sharpest and brightest little star! She demands why I keep going over to he other side in the middle of the night.
Tells her brother hahaha we have hair and you don't!
We were at the temple yesterday just him and me for a while . So I was telling him about God and how he protects us. And he asks me... God protects is but who protects God? Shiva protects us but who protects Shiva?
Sweet question. I told him god can protect himself! But seriously some mortals foolishly think they are protecting "their god" and engage is useless bloody fights. These fights aren't about God but about themselves. Their ego and the endless greed for power.
And we better teach our kids that God can protect himself !!!
Sigh.
I've been trying this year to set aside time to spend individually with each child as well as time with all three.
I've also resolved to be thankful and appreciative of saro and work on my relationship .
So far. It's 10 days into Jan. . I've been doing it and enjoying the benefits. But it's not easy. It takes effort and a sense of conscientiousness and planning.
And all the more I'm feeling.. man I don't have time to be a good parent. I get the weekend. Which I need to split a few ways now for quality time with each child. And I get two hours every evening. If I'm lucky. In that time I need to have dinner play with them sign their forms check their bags and homework and go over spelling . How ??????
I'm seriously thinking of taking half load this year from March onwards.
There's this huge responsibility to come up with a great syllabus and implementation support plan for lit. That's this year till may next year.
And there's my children. And my son in particular who's turning 6 this year and entering p1 next year. It's a turning point year. Where I need to be there to support him as he grows. He says and does things that tell me he needs me and wants me. Like he hits his younger sister and calls her names. It's to get our attention I feel. His whole face blossomed when I told him how good a boy he's been things he whole day coz he just didn't see that in himself. He hears me scolding him for bullying his sister and he says he wants to hurt himself or be born in another family so he can't hurt people.
And my little one has started school
She will be three in 3 weeks.
Day one. She cried right through the one hour.
When a parent asked her did you sing songs
She replied with a grumpy face " no the other children sang songs. I only cried." 😁😁😁
She's too adorable.
Next day " I cried half the lesson"
Next day " I cried only a little bit"
Next day - no more tears!
That was fast! My little one is just amazing!
