depression diaries 9

this is me 

depressed ? 

sad anyway 

that maybe I jinxed it

and God made her sick to punish me

I must remember to never be too happy 

I need to strive to just be

a stone in flowing water 

later I made salad

it was OK

and I was gonna serve everybody 

and he says don't give too much

.like it's not nice? 

he can't support me and not enough has to be derisive 

his usual excuse 

he didn't mean  it 

he meant for himself which is bull. he is lying too 

but why am I attached to some grains and leaves 

how shallow am I 

I am tied to nothing

not to food

not to people 

I am just a soul briefly flitting in this body 

with these people 

kiplng got it right 

be close but not that any counts too much 

and this soul is free 

as it should be

it won't be tethered to the ground 

or to food or possessions or people

depression diaries 8

it's Jan 30

and still akshaya dreads school everyday 

I'm not sure why 

she says school gives her a sense of dread. wants to meet psychologist more often. Once in 3 weeks too long. doesn't want to see Andy though 

and history gives her dread too

but she is okay chatting in the car with thilaga and all

ah she doesn't like that we have changed her room. can understand.  her room was her refuge. 

really don't know whether I'm doing things right or wrong? siva said possibly her room location within the house is not great for her. this is not a precise science but I'm a desperate mum

so used opportunity of saro's parents coming to change  rooms

but i have 2 unhappy teens in the house now 

if this was  a normal situation I would just tell them as hosts we must give our best to our guests. and that hollow ashwin is sacrificing a lot more.  but here I'm dealing with much more.  I've taken away her safe space so she can't even look forward to  coming home from dreading school 

I dunno god I really dunno

at the heart of it all I just want her to be happy again, at least not depressive  

please God help her open up her mind and see possibilities not pitfalls and please please please guide  us, guide me , in  all that I sa, think, feel, and do

aishu

For my baby who loves everything blue

we love each and everything about you

every day you fill us with love 

that we just can't thank God enough 

for the gift that you are, to all of us, 

bringing joy and laughter without fuss

you complete us darling aishu 

happy birthday, we love you 

depression diaries 7

week 3 Tuesday. 

2nd week of lessons 

1st week she went 4 days to school. started 1 day late 

this week 2nd day both days she has texted saying she wants to come home. 

but she stayed. I pray she stays. 

she drains me of energy. I cannot let that happen. I must find my energy source. from deep in the well that is me. 

depression diaries 6

day ends 245. she messages at 12 she wants to go home

i dunno what to do. I need hours of therapy myself 

she had fun in the car complaining happily to thilaga and she too abt sch. Nice normal complaining. I was thinking good for her to go to sch everyday with thilaga. might take the edge of things at least a friend to chat with. 

then aft she says being in the hall makes her feel suffocated ( not exact words) and she wants to get home and doesn't even want to try si

I'm telling her try coz teachers say try plus got thilaga. let's see. God help me please. 

bought three more stress balls. gonna keep one for myself! 

what do I do - depression diaries 5

just got off the phone with her 

said she felt suicidal several times I'm school 

this is really hard to hear after a long and overwhelming day for me

I had thought no news is good news but no .. news is what I want 

I'm near tears myself and exhausted 

don't know what to say or feel

I took a deep breath and started slow 

said she doesn't want to go to school 

why

don't know

so I tried a bunch of possible reasons.helpful. but limited by my ability to guess. she needs a full time therapist by her side. a human diary who can dole out helpful empathetic advice

maybe a mother who doesn't work 

I dunno, I went home really down but she was happier so maybe that works, chatting with her patiently on my way home so she is happier by evening. 

I've so much to learn 

and I'm so torn

I'm wondering if I should ask for a sabbatical.  

work is crazy though. so much to do and such a precious fragile team. py just recovering from long covid and depression, mandy's dad is in hospital and I'm dealing with this. other two are brand new. 

how????

Depression Diaries 4

yesterday I just lay with akshaya until she cheered up enough to sleep

she just lay there tears rolling down her cheek one by one as she talked about how she doesn't want to do anything not stay awake not sleep. not go to school just stay there. and i wish I could help her out of this paralysis... its a feeling we all have felt but she doesn't want to hear that. .

so we talked. about being brave taking a day at a time. 

s is torn about drama 

wanta to go and wants not to go

wants to go coz she likes drama it can be fun and the drama classmates make her feel good .. potential friends who welcome her etc

doesn't want to go coz of scary trainers and she ends at 6 and worried how she'd feel about that

First real week of school with work does start next week after all

God be with her and bless her and give her strength and courage to do what she needs to do

its not a joke that she needs to take things slow for her mental well-being 

she wants to drop history now thinking she should get the textbook and give it a try

I'm happy on one hand she wants to try everything. but worried that just thinking about wanting to try everything overwhelms her 

yesterday at kavins party she wanted shruthi to go back to a room with her but I wanted to talk to shruthi too and then small babies turned up. akshaya just left and I felt like man always everything has to be done her way. 

I was troubled. stayed awhile then went to the room too. she was just sitting encircled by blocks. I asked if she was OK and she said it was too much. she was doing grounding exercises. I sat with her quietly too. then started building with blocks and she too did . calmed us down. then shruthi joined us.latet ashwin and it was fun. and she was back. 

so both times I'm realising how patient I have to be. I could have ruined it if I had yelled at her. we are at a party. just chill. don't monopolise shruthi. 

I'm so glad I didn't. I need to be patient. and wait. and trust. for this I need energy. 

kids days

Day 1 of proper lessons 

1  ashwin falls sick coz of a soccer game in the rain yesterday. 

2. aishu has a book report where she has the impossible task of summarising the giver. she manages. 

3. akshaya has a panic attack that calms down math (!!!).

I'm on my way home to see my three darlings