growing thru questions

you can really see him growing thru the questions he asks 

from 

where was I when you were 4 years old. 

to I dont mind dying. am happy to go see god 

to is god taking naps when I'm angry? how do we know there is Heaven? how donwe know there is god even 

and that time when he was distraught that when we reincarnate he will have a different mother

and that time when he suddenly blurted out when thenlightbcane on, that's how I felt when I came out of your womb

conversations with the son

my son suddenly asks 

I wish we really knew there was Heaven. 

I asked him why this doubt 

he said what if whe we die we just lie there like that all the time. 

why hasn't anyone come back from heaven to tell us it's really there ? 

I said you know about reincarnation right. so not to worry you onvioulsybare an old should in this young body asking me all these difficult questions. 

he laughs and goes off. 

a few min later he is back. 

you know bheesma? (from the mahabharatha) 

when he makes his vow the heavens shower flowers down 

do you think if I made such a vow for would throw flowers down at me too? 

I said it depends Bheeshma had a good reason for his vow. for you, if it's just because you dont like romance and marriage, God may just throw some tomatoes at you. 

he giggles at this idea.  is very tickled at the idea of this

still giggling  he says even if god throw s tomatoes at least I'll know he exists. 

ah. 

before I can say anything he continues 

I think God may be taking a bao everytime I'm angry or sad 

well, I said I don't know about God's captives, I mean I cant rule out the possibility that God's naptime coincides exactly whenever you feel angry or sad. 

but you know feeling angry, sad, scared, these are important feelings.. for one thing you find out what makes you feel this way 

he interjexts, you mean like when building Lego,  

I nod and say yeah, and you learn how to cope. for another when you overcome whatever makes you angry or sad or scared, you grow.  like you have now finished your lego piece and it's beautiful you feel proud of yourseld for completing it. 

he smiles. the questions end there for the night. whew. 

so these are his thoughts. 

is there god

is there heaven 

if there is God why do i feel sad or angry at times? 

how can I know for sure about god

deep questions for a 9 year old. 

at some point I'll have to tell him its asking these questions that is important, and that he has to find his own answers.  

happy birthday Ashwin

tomorrow you will be nine 

my love 

we have a photo of you in the hall, as a little baby

you lie on your tummy and look at camera. the lit up all you are actually looking at creats a glow across your face and your lips are open in wonder

may you always have that precious capacity for wonder my boy. you look at the world and see things differently.  that is a gift. 

you feel so much. another precious gift.. those who feel a lot get hurt. but they have so much to give.   I pray you stay strong even as you feel so much

you have a truly unique perspective. you play music like it flows from you to your finger tips. you sing devoutly. 

you draw like it's so easy. 

god bless you my son always and always 

things they say

ashwin tells me in the midst of a  workshop I'm kind of guiding - yiubare too busy working to be a mother. 

I switched off audio and video and took him onto my lap. 

yesterday the little one tells me

I think I know how I will feel if I die.

millions of years ago I wasnt alive right. 

so I think I'll be okay if I die