how does water fall

How does water fall? 

Once over the ravine

the silken scarf of flowing water

breaks up into droplets again

each chasing the other

heeding the call of gravity 

yet with grace, power and individuality

They hit the surface with a splash

Some spring up in a misty spray

to cool us as we watch in awe

while the rest join up to flow away

making kids cry

usually I don't like it when I upset my kids making them angry or sad

but the other day I was happy to have done so

for it was not me who did it but h

khalid Hosseni. 

and it was not for the horrific rape. I admit I changed that to a beating with brass knuckles instead. youngest was 8! I did not feel ready to open her eyes to such atrocities as a rape of a child yet. 

it was what happened after. 

they had all the righteous indignation of children at a hero who behaves like a coward. who does not stop his friend being hurt because he was scared, cared more about approval from his father and perhaps deep down felt the friend was nore servant and dispensable than friend. 

even the not stopping him didn't upset them as much as what happens next. when hassan comes trying to rekindle friendship again but amir, torn by guilt, lashes out at him telling him the one thing hasan can do for him is to stop bothering him.  there. at that point I had to stop for one was on the verge of tears and the other was glaring daggers ( at me, the poor messenger). and hitting me too in her despair. 

that was pain too close to their hearts unfairness of children

inability to deal with complex emotions and acting up in other ways.. that's how the adult reader sees it anyway.  but for the child. the sheer un fairness of it. life should be fair. but it isn't. and to realise that... to have known it before personally is one thing but to see it in a book too, that somehow universalizes unfairness. that hit hard and we had to stop. 

notes on mocking jay film and book

lots of good stuff missing. ti be expected.  wish we had had 

we just saw odair in his underpants. don't expect us to be impressed. 

more nuance.

but let's talk of what they did right 

1. the war scenes. much more real in the movie. calls to mind Ukraine

 putin like snow. 

2. the rescue of Victor's. a lot more tense 

anger

i nearly crashed the car today in my foul temper

setting such a bad example for son as to what to do when upset

scream speed terrify the other

I would hate for him to do that to anyone

I would hate to have anyone do that to me

I'm not fully sure what happened 

it felt like I needed to live without expectations from anyone at all

I maybe was relying too much on my kids in an effort to free myself from needs and expectations related to the hubby

so I expected him to be happy to explain some science to me with a real life specimen. 

he is just a child. bored of science. eager to go . 

must have been so shocking for him

ashwin teaches me so much

as usual ashwin has taught me something important and personal 

let me start with yesterday first

he had a short day and was home  by 2. I only came home at 8 he was eating dinner I popped in asked him how he was and went off to discuss lit essay with akshaya then went off to pick up aishu then came home dead tired. lay down and both aishu and akshaya came to me and we laughed and joked and I fell asleep. I woke up again after 20 min or so and called ashwin over to sleep and he came in crying. saying nobody had even said one word to him the whole day. he had just been doing his work the whole aft quietly in his room..my helper had misunderstood him ar dinner and she was mad at him. 

the poor child! 

to say and feel that no one had spoken to him! made me realise the times I go into his room to lie down and chat is so important. he feels valued as a person. otherwise he just feels like a cog in the machine. I must at least call and talk to him on days I'm working at office or coming home late. I felt so sad. 

the other day he said best part of day was me volunteering to put him to bed and not me and saro auctioning him off coz we are too tired. 

all this tells me how important it is to be fully present and awake with our kids at night! tough call. 

aishu thoughts

Aishu has been saying and doing so many wonderful things, I must pen them down. 

1. yesterday evening we suddenly got talking about love lace. he is never far from my thoughts but I try not to bring it up in case it stirs feelings in aishu. she was closest to him and most heartbroken, and took the longest to get over him. can you actually get over him? I don't think so. but you know, move on a bit more. 

we talked about him and she said I was very sad when he left but I'm thinking now maybe it's good he did.  she meant good for him. she also said I think he came here just coz he wanted food. we should have let him go long ago.  I told her how I could never do that without knowing how he would do we didn't know then how well he could fly for example. 

she also said something wise, something I had not thought of myself earlier on, that had he stayed longer maybe he would not have known how to fly so well or survive so well there. 

the conversation started with her saying she shouldn't have suddenly moved away when he sat on her head. it must have been so scary for love lace. and I said it's ok all that is good will teach him to be alert and help him survive. 

and she said so good we didn't clip his wings of course we wouldn't and then we started about how he must be doing. how clever he is. how cute he is. and she said all the things above. 

such maturity in a young one don't you think to look back on a super painful, the most painful episode for her in her short life, and see it in a different light. such reflectiveness. and to see the sadness as good for the bird and therefore good overall. 

she did wonder if we should have got another bird to keep him company. we figured both would be plotting their escape if so! 

I myself an still coming to terms with his parting. departure. it has helped me connect with guilt, loss, grief, responsibility, fate, faith, devotion. not that what i felt is in anyway comparable to the loss and grief and guilt of others but it gave me a window into these intense feelings, for me to empathise. 

every hardship in my life allows me to empathise that much more. simple " hardhsips" like being a minority to the more painful episodes in life like wanting and not being able to have immediately, children. . 

I cannot bring myself to want hardship! but when it comes I can take heart that this too must be for the best. 

I say a quick and deep prayer now for all my loved ones . God please protect them! 

back to my baby , Aishwarya. so these were some of her thoughts yesterday. May God bless her always and always. she is so sharp. cuts straight to the point. 

I was grumbling about having to do my budget. it's a yearly lament. haha. and she said why don't you give it to others to do, but you should have given it to them before! she got it straight away! delegate and give them time to do it right! she is only 8 but overflowing with wisdom, truly. 

cost of classes

all for a term 

1. guitar. 180 per month so 450 per term

2. piano 599.20 per term

3. drama. 310 per term

4. gymnastics. 200 per term

5. paatu class. 60 per month so 150 per term

6. writing class. 225 per month  so 560 per term

7. tamil tuition. 130 per month so 330 per term

8. badminton. 140 per month so 350 per term

so in 1 term: 350 + 330 + 560 + 150 + 200 + 310 + 600 + 450

$11800 per year or 3000 per term. 

how are you

darling boy how are you

I behaved badly today by crushing your paper I am so sorry

please forgive me and I'll try to do better. I had a moment where I could have caught myself but didn't 

Ashwin dsa portfolia

published article 

voice over for museum.

pesa

in school's 20th anniversary video

in school's open house video 

did a drama production for school 

some writing samples needed

rep school in story telling competitons, places in top 20

night time talks

Today's conversation with the son at bedtime,

If you get a chance to know what your life is going to be in the future, would you want to know,  I asked him.

Unless there is a time machine that lets me go back and forth in time to change things, I don't want to know, was his reply.

What if I find out I die as a child, or that there is no heaven or God, I'm not sure i can take it.

Such are the fears and thoughts of young people... I feel blessed to have a small peek into these in the quiet moments before bed. 

babies sick

it's so depressing when our kids are sick

I'm in hospital again with akshaya 

and she does not seem to be recovering as quickly as she did the last two times she had a flare

I'm trying to stay above is, take it in stride 

everyone has their problems

but I'm just thinking about those parents who have kids with no chronic problems. 

really blessed to have only the usual teenage problems with kids. not health problems. 

I pray she makes a full recovery. I worry about all kinds of things. Will she get married have kids, live well, be healthy do all the the things she wants to

I pray to God she does. 

I'm scared I'm getting resentful too. of things out of my control 

yesterday we came home. home sweet home. and I lit a lamp for god.  and my hands were trembling despite me. I'm more affected than I let on. I had to close the door and cry. for akshaya for me and saro. the stories do help. I told myself rama had to suffer to become the person he became. and my dad. and so too my.daughter. my job is to support her and I pray for strength to do that

fun evening with Aishwarya

yesterday after a game of badminton 

aishu and i went over to rocky masters to buy back dinner

she was charmed by the place either the greynsofas and dim lighting

we went in chose our food and when I tried to order takeaway the kids meal could only be had there. 

so we had it there and while waiting she climbed into my lap at the corner sofa and we both just enjoyed each other so much

I was kissing her and she was just curling into me

was the best part of our day and so unexpected! if ashwin had been there he would have been very conscious of such public display of affection so we cherished this all the more haha

we bought a take away and left

then at home the baby ate up all the brothers food and I did a mad dash back to buy another plate for him haha! 

ways to go

man

yesterday I yelled ar ashwin for a good 15 min

he stood while I yelled

when I went to comfort him after that he literally backed away into a corner, making himself as small as he could, hiding behind a pillow. he was cowering like he feared physical blows. 

that's how much my words hurt him. 

sometimes I truly suck at parenting.

there was an immediate change in him once I told him I knew he had been working hard this week. the minute he felt heard his sobbing eased. like a switch. 

I eased him onto my lap kissed his cheeks and told him I had been wrong to suggest he had done nothing at all this week or these past two days. and I worked out what was really bothering me about him. 

we discussed the concept of the glass being half full vs half empty and how to practise seeing certain facts. 

and he cried again when he shared how he tried to hide his anger and I still got mad at him. I told him he and I,  we can't hide our feelings. the only way not to look angry is to not be angry and for that we have to practise using our the half full glass perspectives.  

i was feeling umhappy about other things too. I need to figure out my feelings about those as well. in another post.

not nice mum

yesterday I lost my cool with adhwin twice and said things I shouldn't have. 

he was hurt and had the words to show it. 

.I said he always screaming and he's so difficult to look after  

he went to bed on his own, told me, you said I'm difficult to look after, I'm sorry, i depend on you and appa too much 

sigh 

he's a kid. a different kid. I should not have said that. I was tired and annoyed but no excuses. sigh. 

quiet moments

I am so blessed to share quiet moments with the kids. such a privilege that trust they extend to me in those quiet moments of anguish and contemplation 

today my daughter asked about love lace again. she missed him wanted him back

wondered if he loved her 

waa sad he never said goodbye to her

she said I never saw him come and I never saw him go. quite poignant. touching. 

we made ourselves feel better by commenting how much he loved flying. she said astutely, akka did not like staying in the room even for one day, how it must have been for love lace to be that room for months 

such empathy.  my heart breaks with her. 

yesterday my son asked about rebirth and heaven again. something he returns to over and again. yesterday it was whether all poor people did bad things in past lives. that gave us a chance to talk about our assumptions that poor people were unhappy and rich people happy. often it can be the other way . happiness is a state of mind. 

he felt it would be awful to not feel anything, which they understood from my dad as how one would be when they attend moksha. 

how little I know to answer his questions. again I told him it's his questions that matter and his seeking answers will enlighten him 

he also said the only lesening he enjoys is the ones he does himself. like from the books he reads and so on. he doesn't like being taught what others feel he needs to learn! that's astute! 

today he lashed out at me saying adults always get their way! I asked him quietly is that a fair statement t to make. he said no, it was an anger statement! brilliant! he cut right to it. 

later in the car he told me baby Kevin's natchathiram. and say it depends of he was born before 10 am or after! seriously he is an old soul in a young body ! 

another qn on his quiet qn night was where was paati aaya. was she perhaps in kavin! or any other baby born right around the time she passed on. haha these are things we don't like thinking about right. we like to think they are in heaven watching over us

Akshaya comes of age

my little girl has come of age. that's so special. 

she is a gem to be treasured. she understands so much. 

she turned 13 on 22nd Dec 2021 and a week later, on swathi natchathiram. her birth star, she came of age. 

it really feels like a divine hand is guiding us in all things, especially regarding her. my divine child. 

Once we knew it, there was a lot of prep. 

as soon as we learnt of it we gave her some keerai vithai in milk. she sat on a thaduku in the hall facing East while her grandmother gave her the milk..

early next day we put kolam in the prayer room and in the hall. there was a thaduku put over the kolam. 

her grandmothers and aunts gave her a herbal bath, from a bucket with neem leaves, flower petals and turmeric.

they also applied turmeric paste to her arms and cheeks before pouring buckets of water over her. they poured it over a sieve to catch most of the leaves and petals. 

this ritual has a calming cleansing effect I think.  

all the old clothes she wore are thrown away to symbolise her leaving girl hood and entering womanhood

she then dressed in new clothes, a simple saree . then her athai put a garland around her. and she got blessings from her uncles and aunts and grandparents and parents. 

devi and athai took alathi for her. ( manjal sunambu and vethalai, with water) 

then she sat down to eat on a banana leaf. until then she had not eaten anything. 

with one sweet ( kaaju katli) , some  salt, white rice with parrupu and ghee, enna kathirikai kulambu, vazhakai poriyal, 1 boiled egg, 1 appalam, 1 kootu ( snakegourd) 

later she changed into my grandmother's saree. a way to remember her and have her attend her important life event. 

did group suthi podurarathu. 

Good words of blessings showered around her, filling our home with good vibes. 

strengthening food: 

3 Tablespoons nallennai, 1 egg and some kali, every morning for 2 weeks.

then on Sunday, day 5, we did sadangu kalikarathu. 

we did the following 

1. put up thoranam

prepared the special food for the ritual: 

2. made paruppu masiyal

3. boiled 2 eggs 

4. made white rice 

5. made kali

6. made puttu

7. made breakfast 

had fun dressing up akshaya. pattu saree. jewellery. costume diamond nethi chutti, ( from sala chithi), real diamond earrings from my parents, 1 real diamond necklace, new and presented to her on the day itself by my parents, 1 long real diamond chain( mine, lent to her) and 1 costume diamond ottiyanam. 

in her hair, costume diamond hair accessories and a big bunch of mullai flowers. 

the make up she did herself with help of cousin shruthi. 

the things to kalikiran the sadangu 

1. nerai kudam. overflowing silver pot with water filled to the brim. we used my grandmother's silver pot. so special! 

2. slate vilaku with unlit candle from kavitha

3. nerai naali, silver rice cup with overflowing nellu. 

4. kottan ( from kavitha) with vethalai pierced thru an iron coconut extractor ( from devil 

5. kali

6. puttu

7.white rice with paruppu and ghee and 2 boiled eggs

8.tray with 21 marie biscuits and 21 sprigs of need leaves.

all these are discarded after the pooja. so all held in disposable containers, then alathi, 

then blessings, photos and vegetarian meal on banana leaves for everyone! 

she then had to hold onto something iron ..we have a hammer under her head and a nail she is supposed to carry with her to.school. 

then my brother and sis in law came

then we all went to my parents house to close the ceremony. they gave us a ton of money for kachu uthikirathu. 

we also had prepared goodie bags. Which my parents eiher bought or paid for everything little thing. it gives them joy. what can I say. ananda bhavan lunch also sponsored by my parents. 

we packed

1. a set of 3 small glass containers with lids from IKEA. 

2. a fancy saree blouse, with  bangles and manjal kumkum, and an hongbao of 11 dollars each. 21 for devi and athai for having taken alathi

3. a tie bag with vethalai and paaku 

4. a packet of hersheys chocolate 

5. a packet of lotus biscuits 

6. a packet of home made then kulal ( murukku)

7. 1 box of enna kali that kavitha made and which took hours!

to welcome our guests we had a tray with a mirror, manjal kumkum, a flower basket, and mittai thattu. a container with 5 compartments with kalkandu in the center, 2 biscuits (neapolitan wafers and strawberry loveletters) and 2 chocs ( rocher and kudumi chocs) 

everyone who came gave money and blessings generously. our guests: 

devi sath kaavya

kavitha sendhil shruthi and abi

my parents 

my in laws

kanna and rajee 

sethunarayanan mamaand meena athai

nalla, sendhil, athai

later this week: 

meena hasini

later this month: 

meena and sethu

ishu and sendhil

ishu's mother, sivakami akka

sendhil and nachu

I'm super blessed to have had this function with so many loved ones. 

hope I can recall and replicate some of this for aishu! 

feeling loved and blessed!