ashwin kalai nigalchi

1. Hanuman age 2

2. Krishnan age 3

3. Murugan -yaam irruka bayamyen age 4

4. Folk dance age 5

5. Singing age 6

6. Magic show age 7

7. Piano - age 8

8. Piano- age 9

akshaya kalai nigachi

1. Tennis player - age 1

2. Radhai krishna with ashwin- age 4

3. Ramayana story and angel- age 5 

4. Muguntha muguntha age 6

5.Jai ho - age 7

6. Jingu cha age 8

7. Folk dance age 9

8. Rain dance age 10

9. Jimmiki kammal age 11

10. Dance of three age 13

11. Illamai itho itho age 16

my thoughts

I am partly happy partly worried

1. Akshaya graduated  . She attended both graduation and prom. She looked amazing at both. She was truly happy at both. 

2. But . She was so tired. She slept till 3pm to enjoy her 2 hours of prom. This makes me feel her fatigue is not getting any better. I worry what does this mean for our europe trip? And for her school next year? Only God can help.

aishu kalai nigalchi performances

1. Park ranger with dinosaur 2015

2. Bumble bees 2016

3. Saree dance 2017 

4. Jimmiki jammal 2018

5. Gymnastics 2019 - 

6. Piano 2020

7. Puppet show 2021 - 

8.  Morrakka 2022

9. Gymnastics age 9 2023

10. Illamai itho age 10 2024

ashwin singing

it is a joy and a privilege to be able to sit in with you as you practise singing 

--------

Singing practice

I watch you throw your head back,

eyes closed

to memorise a line and sing it to the wind, in Tamil. 

To hear the finished piece is one joy,

but to sit in daily practice, is sublime

Amirtham.  

you don't know your own gift from God

maybe that makes it even more special

Hearing the polished song is one joy 

but to sit by your side day after day

as you practice is whole other level

one I'm the only one privileged enough to hear 

-----

you are truly gifted. 

I am sad when I think of you saying you want to stop after next week 

but maybe you won't...by God's grace 

lousy mum

I'm a lousy scary Mom when it comes to maths

I have expectations 

nor only that you do math but that you look interested. don't yawn. don't stretch.  be present in a way I recognise. 

I'm so mad at myself. 

we had a good thing going this morning. and I crushed it. 

sigh. 

aishu sweetheart

My baby made me a scrap book on the theme of my roles. I love her so  such a thoughtful gift so beautifully put together with material from the house. she's always been the one to creatively find presents for us around the house haha

I'm so touched coz no one has given me one like this before. she just learns and learns. I dunno how even got the idea. After a long morning at sungei buloh too. 

before that I was down and she wrote another card.  i should read it. in essence telling me I am enough. I need to hear that. can't sleep now coz I'm worrying so much. I should tell myself I am enough 

truly my children are gifts from God.and God will protect them. I just have to listen and follow God's advice to care for them properly

parenting ashwin

I don't know how to parent him 

I don't know if he is just a normal kid having a tough time growing up or if he has special needs that makes him very creative but impedes normal behaviour 

I have a long litany of complaints about him. it will sound like I am finding fault with everything he does. maybe I am

It started last wed

1. I found his Monday and Wed lunch still inside his school bag. this despite us discussing this the week before and agreeing that he should check his bag and return his lunch boxes. He is also regularly wasting food. 

2. while clearing the papers in his bag he found his homework that he had done the day before but could not find because it was not in his file. 

3. he sat watching TV picking at his food. when I said let's have a family dinner he got up to throw away his food and got so mad that I said maybe he was just eating to keep watching tv1. we got into a shouting match. then he agreed to things just to end the fight. cowardly. 

4. then he told me got into trouble the week before for fooling around with a kid whose bat then hit another girl. and his knife incident got brought up

 and turns out he signed his name that he instigated that boy to take out his knife despite knowing he should not have.  

at a loss what to believe here. he is not the most trustworthy fellow unfortunately. now I'm inclined to believe the school because sorry i just cannot trust his version of things. and I'm sad about it. and that's making me police him more and more. and of course anyone policed more will be discovered  lacking more. vicous cycle. 

but I'm afraid if I let him go he will hit rock bottom. I don't know how to build trust between us again. I let him go first 6 months and he got himself into so much trouble. not doing work on time, no effort shown in lessons, distracted in school, failing tests cos he remembers them the night before. is this all just normal teenage behaviour? and he got a dick pic and showed it to a girl and got himself demerit points and a black name among his teachers. won't I worry. I let him go and this happened. 

so I hold on tight. 

try to help him

 but... sigh. meditation worked a few times

 but after that he stopped doing it properly and I felt he is doing it just to get it done as soon as he can 

he gets every damn thing he wants. that may be my fault. 

New shoes that he left behind in school

New headphones 

New earphones 

chance to go play whenever he wants 

now permission to download a stupid new video game 

5. so yes wed high drama. other things since then. thurs not much. Friday was good. he made cookies. we watched titanic as a family. I helped him organise his life on sat..he has 4 sports classes and 1 vocal class. he hardly has time to breathe. suddenly he started crying and he wouldn't say why. then asked him to eat. 430. said he would in 15 min. 445.5pm still not out.to me he just does not care about anything he says. he will say anything but won't mean a word. isn't that an awful thing to think about him. but see the pattern. then 520. vegetables not eaten. I had said we leave by 520. but he wasn't ready and didn't seem ready to be ready. when I sat down to talk to him he said okay ill get ready and stood up and knocked off rice grains from his dirty hands onto the floor. and I blew my top. coz I thought he was doing this to spite me . screamed at him. pinched him. he felt unfairly screamed at. seems he learnt this from saro and his parents. like real. 

we kind of made up after that. Read a book to him and all. but man. 

Sunday was better I thought. helped him get his files ready . asked him his plans several times. he filed. he planned. he stayed on course. he said he'd update me along the way but didn't. we went to see saros friend.alll good. then he wanted to go ay basketball

 as usual I said OK.he said he'd call me when he reached so I'd know when his one hour of play time starts. of course he didn't call. 

really how do you expect me to trust him. 

so told him. he got all touchy about the trust thing. got his science done but stony towards me.

I have work to do.but believe meditation will help him. went in at 945.said let's meditate and go to sleep. he said he will sleep soon he will call me.  I said are you sure you will.he got touchy. 1015 or so he came out said let's meditate. I said give me 5 min.1 minute later he said I'm quite tired can I go to sleep. how mad ill be. I came by 30 min earlier when  he wouldn't have been too tired.  he chased me away. I say give me 5 min more. he can't wait. 

and I'm only doing this to help him. and then we start and he does stupid fast breathing instead of slow breathing

he goes on to next step before I'm done. days oh sorry didn't know we had to do it together. I just felt like a bloody used fool. got mad again. he burst into tears. says he can't do anything right.  it's not that he can't do things right. he doesn't register things. all shallow level. and he said evertime we do meditation he feels he's on a test. which may be fair. 

he also cried out that he keeps being rude without even meaning to keeps hurting me without meaning to. he sounded so lost. 

i dunno. on the plus side he only downloaded the computer game and did not play it. 

I am chasing on small things in the belief attention to small things will lead to attention to big things. but I could be wrong. 

I need to breathe myself. I don't like the policing me. it sucks. I don't like this fault finding person I have become

so

need to recalibrate a bit

update

my dad's wise words come to mind

from confusion comes clarity. 

and it doesn't matter where we are what what's is we are headed in the right direction. 

writing in here made me think maybe he has ADHD. Read a bit talked to akshaya then pei yong... then last night and and akshaya talked too and he did an online version of the tear himself. 

so yup. maybe  just maybe he has adhd. possibly autism too. and we will learn to manage and cope

adventure continues

yesterday ashwin lost his school bag and stayed up late, crying, to complete a group project ge had been given 3 months to do. 

he's so like me. just doing everything much earlier 

I lost my school bag in jc too. I raced to complete my thesis. I did the bulk of a project for my frienss in sec 4  

love the boy. supported him as best as I could. my dad did toom he supported me and now supporting g his grandson haha. printed something for us at 1030pm

 

final work is good. not perfect but definitely good. 

he's so creative ashwin. 

midst of this youngest started wailing. and I recall thinking, if you are going to act up, one by one, could you at least take turns and give me a 5 min breather in between? but no. they must overlap..  grateful for eldest who steps in unobtrusively to help. then she needs support too of course. but she waited her turn like only the eldest kids learn to do. 

so much going on

i have to write to process all that is going on

basics. India trip

 broke my phone my glasses my clip

 4 of us fell sick. but we are back. we survived. truly builds resilience. Sat u der the moonlight talking and listening to taylor swift. waited. for the sun go down for electricity to come. back. learnt to cherish

 water. save when current is on so you can use it later. don't waste a drop if you can help it.

lived in a forest in munnar. with the cricket sound so enveloping you feel surrounded. like it may descend on you any second

 

experiences

waterfall bathing. in a poncho! 

had a goat adoot us for a walk. 

then parenting now

 

okay so what's happening with the kids 

1. aishu . ill. stomach flu that lasted longer than the rest of us. got skating shoes fell down twisted her wrist. crying feeling anxious. seems like onset of early puberty  . gah. 

2. ashwin. Reading about ghosts. saw his grand aunt transmit great grand aunt and quite affected. thinks he saw a ghost. quite scared. turning to God that's good. oh and we fought about math. made me look at this loving pic of yasoda and krishna and wondered if they ever had to tackle math together.

3. akshaya. homeschooling. identifying with lgbtq community. seeing acceptance from father. 

quite a few cool headlines for what it is like to be parenting in mid 2024

mothers day reflections

Had a lovely mother's day yesterday. 

woke up in the morning to the sound of my baby crying. coz she was upset her dad "copied" her idea of getting a flower for mother's day and beat her to it  by giving it the day before 

she's 10. doesn't know flowers is the norm. for her it was special. her idea to get her mum a flower and appa copied her idea. so precious. 

and now I wouldn't be as surprised or would think she copied from him

it was so sweet and tender. saro really made my day giving it me earlier coz I was exhausted and feel under appreciated haha. but this precious baby's sweet feelings were hurt and we both hugged back to normal and were closer than ever that morning. saro hugged her and made me so happy

then she gave me this simple beautiful hand made card that said best mum. she made it look 3d with ther colouring effect. 

then ashwin got up got ready in  short i bought him and not his favourite but he wore it for me ! 

then I had the pleasure of making breakfast for the family. eggs. I could make ashwin three and give him a protein banana milk shake. made me super happy. and a banana chocolate milkshake for aishu. I rarely do these things. so that made me happy 

then I supervised lunch and made some of it too all came out great. roasted cauliflowers. cheesy potatoes. baked fish. New pepper chicken recipe that i love and can't wait to have with tofu and green pepper soon. and an amazing vegetable scrambled egg with keerai and coriander and asparagus and green pepper and chilie and onion- ooh lah lah. 

and a water melon salad. I resisted eating cooked food till late night too. 

more than that did the intuition practice with akshaya at night and she wanted to practise after that. made me so happy  

so yeah good mother's day! 

wow

saro has been offered the post of secretary at mariamman temple. its a huge honour

he wants and needs family support 

we do

but we have all been scarred the last time he took on 2 temples which meant 3 temples 

and so kids let him know how they felt yesterday 

a tearful evening all round 

they and i don't want to lose what we have with him now

kids made valid points. they don't want to make an appt to see him. they want him to be available. otherwise it doesn't feel like family. 

so let's see. 

saronsaid he'll try to wake up mornings and spend time with kids then..

between saro and me we will try to fix some days a week to meet as a family. e.g. Wednesdays. 

depression diaries 11

it's been a while since I wrote

I foolishly thought since we made the decision to stop school she'd feel better

but she still feels heavy

and no wonder

no school but still exams and tests

who wouldn't be anxious.

so here's the plan for now

1. every day spend conscious time to build energy.  I.e. deep breathing meditation.

2. have a plan to work towards something. math/ history,/ lit/ el/ tl/ bio. kids in school do a bit of all this and more. still..we do one or two a day. 

3. take medication for anxiety and mood. sigh sigh sigh. not happy about this plan but supposed must try

4. go for that memory boosting course. 

typical Saturday

10 am leave with aishu and ashwin

1030 drop ashwin at paatu class.. grab a vadai for aishu

11 am drop aishu at dance class

1130 pick up ashwin . grav the best cafe mocha ever, truly extra hot 

12 pm pick up aishu 

1230 till 1330 lunch at home

130 leave with with 

2pm drop at drama class

shop for vegetables 

3.30 pick up aishu 

4pm drop aishu at devaram 

5pm pick up aishu take her home

530 leave home with akshaya for math tuition 

6 to 7 write poetry

7pm pick up akshaya. head to the beach for a bit

8.30pm home sweet home.

10 am till 8.30 pm. no joke I say

kids

I'm so happy I enjoy having children 

I've always enjoyed talking to young people and hearing their ideas and nurturing them 

so all the more with my kids. I love them amd love talking with them and playing with them

they teach me so much. 

did drawing with aishu yesterday. 

went cycling with ashwin too. 

and played the taylor swift game ( tm us!l the night before great fun.

Taylor Swift Party

I must say... I throw the best parties haha. of people I know anyway..

and themed parties are my thing. 

today of course I had a lot of help from my little creative one

she decided to paste 6 pieces of cardboard together to create a eras board of sorts. and akshaya thought to do it like the eras poster itself.  both got to painting. it was meant at first as an art piece. then i saw it and figured it could be a mood board though I didn't know that was the term for what i had in mind. list fav songs for each era in there. that was the idea. then after the movie list again. 

morning dawned and new ideas bloomed. I said it could be a dice game. land on an era and name a song, no repeats. 

final version. they made bracelets all afternoon. places bracelets in matching board. then played the game. the clues for those lost were the bracelets themselves. it was great fun. unique too.. aishu aikshaya and I have been playing night after night. 

okay then, decorations. we had collected the posters from St and those went up on the wall, by varshini and aishu . and ashwin had got her a mirror ball which we put up as well.

we had bought so many beads over last few months and kids made bracelets all afternoon, to music from her albums. 

and food. 

we had coloured food for each era, which I made in the kitchen for 3.5 hours in addition to dinner! 

1. guacamole green for debut

2. tortilla chips yellow for 

3. grapes purple for speak now

4. strawberries red for red

5. vanilla cup cakes with incing and blue sprinkles for 1989 ( wow!) 

6. lindt chocs black for reputation 

7. love letters pink for lover 

8. cream cheese frosting as dip white for evermore 

9. choc wafers brown for evermore

10. blue berries for midnight 

like wow right! and aishu and akshaya made gorgeous placards for these foods in their colours and era titles.

felt like a real eras tour party when done

meanwhile they ate oranges, I made potato wedges and two kinds of pasta and their friend brought cute little pau baji, it was  a blast

then the movie and loud singing till 1030pm. then the photo with all our bracelets and it was over! dropped off the girls with taylor swift music blasting and talking talking talking . 

we made her our own that night, something to remember 

small things

today a few things have been making me smile a little precious smile

ashwin was in my bed coz his grandparents are in his room

at 5am as I got out of bed he stirred and said Aatha, huggie? 

my heart seriously melted. not sure when he last said it might have been months not sure when he will say it again. he's 12 and a half and growing up so fast. 

then my little one was sorting out her file in the morning and she said I have my rooster from last year. this year I'll get a new one. I did a double take. my prefect rooster she said. ah. roster. delightful. I'd rather have a prefect rooster than a roster. 

and then in the morning I was going on the train with my son and had my back to the door and he pulled me away coz that door would open soon! aw. he's protecting me. love it so blessed

worries

A part of me worries 

that I make things worse for her 

took her to yoga and started the joint pains? 

took her swimming and worsened them? 

sigh. 

who care about f-ing intentions

just look at the results. I'm so sorry baby. so so so sorry 

now I want to project only good health for u, the way you want it darling

I envision good health and happiness for you, for the taylor swift concert we are so looking forward to

please God

thank you for making her well enough to enjoy the concert fully no pains only laughter and singing and joy

please God

please God

please God

if someone must be in pain

let it be me

not her

please God

please God

please God

 

I'll make offerings again for you

I'll think of the kuladeivams again for you the pen deivams again

captive to my teen

I must first erase my ego

and let the 15 year old control me completely 

I am gonna try it

She's threatening me

by cutting herself,

her body buckling in pain 

acting up every which way 

nerves joints dizziness chest pains,

you name it her body presents it.

She is threatening me,

her body is threatening me

and I don't want her or her body to suffer.

I must give in.

It's blackmail but

I don't see a way out 

so when she says 

I want to drop a subjext 

I'll be saying OK

no questions asked 

when she says

I don't want to go to school.

I'll say OK.

Starting today - 

cos I saw the marks on her wrist 

and I am scared.

I'd rather have a lazy bum escapist daughter 

than no daughter 

thank you very much 

and besides

she is very bright 

when she decides to get to something 

she will

so I shouldn't stand in the way 

trying to act all responsible mother like

just give her what she wants

each and every time 

no school? OK

new clothes? OK

trip to Europe? OK

Ok Ok Ok

you just be ok

She said the other day 

she finds it hard to believe 

there are people who have no pain any time of the day

not even a cold

coz she's been in constant pain

for days weeks months years? 

so you know what 

heck it

she wants a new bag-Ok

no school -Ok

just get ok

depression diaries 10

spoke to psychologist clara.she suggests just acknowledging the pains when they come. try to sit with the pain and figure out  what may be causing it

and suggested I tell her openly my concerns. so I listen to her and let her do as she likes or encourage her to go to school 

Also realise she really cannot do ma y things like yoga and all

one day of yoga and now she has 10 days of knee pain. possibly inflammation  related to uc! 

just kill me. so am gonna really take my cue from her but also get her back to the pool. no weight nothing there 

depression diaries 9

this is me 

depressed ? 

sad anyway 

that maybe I jinxed it

and God made her sick to punish me

I must remember to never be too happy 

I need to strive to just be

a stone in flowing water 

later I made salad

it was OK

and I was gonna serve everybody 

and he says don't give too much

.like it's not nice? 

he can't support me and not enough has to be derisive 

his usual excuse 

he didn't mean  it 

he meant for himself which is bull. he is lying too 

but why am I attached to some grains and leaves 

how shallow am I 

I am tied to nothing

not to food

not to people 

I am just a soul briefly flitting in this body 

with these people 

kiplng got it right 

be close but not that any counts too much 

and this soul is free 

as it should be

it won't be tethered to the ground 

or to food or possessions or people

depression diaries 8

it's Jan 30

and still akshaya dreads school everyday 

I'm not sure why 

she says school gives her a sense of dread. wants to meet psychologist more often. Once in 3 weeks too long. doesn't want to see Andy though 

and history gives her dread too

but she is okay chatting in the car with thilaga and all

ah she doesn't like that we have changed her room. can understand.  her room was her refuge. 

really don't know whether I'm doing things right or wrong? siva said possibly her room location within the house is not great for her. this is not a precise science but I'm a desperate mum

so used opportunity of saro's parents coming to change  rooms

but i have 2 unhappy teens in the house now 

if this was  a normal situation I would just tell them as hosts we must give our best to our guests. and that hollow ashwin is sacrificing a lot more.  but here I'm dealing with much more.  I've taken away her safe space so she can't even look forward to  coming home from dreading school 

I dunno god I really dunno

at the heart of it all I just want her to be happy again, at least not depressive  

please God help her open up her mind and see possibilities not pitfalls and please please please guide  us, guide me , in  all that I sa, think, feel, and do

aishu

For my baby who loves everything blue

we love each and everything about you

every day you fill us with love 

that we just can't thank God enough 

for the gift that you are, to all of us, 

bringing joy and laughter without fuss

you complete us darling aishu 

happy birthday, we love you 

depression diaries 7

week 3 Tuesday. 

2nd week of lessons 

1st week she went 4 days to school. started 1 day late 

this week 2nd day both days she has texted saying she wants to come home. 

but she stayed. I pray she stays. 

she drains me of energy. I cannot let that happen. I must find my energy source. from deep in the well that is me. 

depression diaries 6

day ends 245. she messages at 12 she wants to go home

i dunno what to do. I need hours of therapy myself 

she had fun in the car complaining happily to thilaga and she too abt sch. Nice normal complaining. I was thinking good for her to go to sch everyday with thilaga. might take the edge of things at least a friend to chat with. 

then aft she says being in the hall makes her feel suffocated ( not exact words) and she wants to get home and doesn't even want to try si

I'm telling her try coz teachers say try plus got thilaga. let's see. God help me please. 

bought three more stress balls. gonna keep one for myself! 

what do I do - depression diaries 5

just got off the phone with her 

said she felt suicidal several times I'm school 

this is really hard to hear after a long and overwhelming day for me

I had thought no news is good news but no .. news is what I want 

I'm near tears myself and exhausted 

don't know what to say or feel

I took a deep breath and started slow 

said she doesn't want to go to school 

why

don't know

so I tried a bunch of possible reasons.helpful. but limited by my ability to guess. she needs a full time therapist by her side. a human diary who can dole out helpful empathetic advice

maybe a mother who doesn't work 

I dunno, I went home really down but she was happier so maybe that works, chatting with her patiently on my way home so she is happier by evening. 

I've so much to learn 

and I'm so torn

I'm wondering if I should ask for a sabbatical.  

work is crazy though. so much to do and such a precious fragile team. py just recovering from long covid and depression, mandy's dad is in hospital and I'm dealing with this. other two are brand new. 

how????

Depression Diaries 4

yesterday I just lay with akshaya until she cheered up enough to sleep

she just lay there tears rolling down her cheek one by one as she talked about how she doesn't want to do anything not stay awake not sleep. not go to school just stay there. and i wish I could help her out of this paralysis... its a feeling we all have felt but she doesn't want to hear that. .

so we talked. about being brave taking a day at a time. 

s is torn about drama 

wanta to go and wants not to go

wants to go coz she likes drama it can be fun and the drama classmates make her feel good .. potential friends who welcome her etc

doesn't want to go coz of scary trainers and she ends at 6 and worried how she'd feel about that

First real week of school with work does start next week after all

God be with her and bless her and give her strength and courage to do what she needs to do

its not a joke that she needs to take things slow for her mental well-being 

she wants to drop history now thinking she should get the textbook and give it a try

I'm happy on one hand she wants to try everything. but worried that just thinking about wanting to try everything overwhelms her 

yesterday at kavins party she wanted shruthi to go back to a room with her but I wanted to talk to shruthi too and then small babies turned up. akshaya just left and I felt like man always everything has to be done her way. 

I was troubled. stayed awhile then went to the room too. she was just sitting encircled by blocks. I asked if she was OK and she said it was too much. she was doing grounding exercises. I sat with her quietly too. then started building with blocks and she too did . calmed us down. then shruthi joined us.latet ashwin and it was fun. and she was back. 

so both times I'm realising how patient I have to be. I could have ruined it if I had yelled at her. we are at a party. just chill. don't monopolise shruthi. 

I'm so glad I didn't. I need to be patient. and wait. and trust. for this I need energy. 

kids days

Day 1 of proper lessons 

1  ashwin falls sick coz of a soccer game in the rain yesterday. 

2. aishu has a book report where she has the impossible task of summarising the giver. she manages. 

3. akshaya has a panic attack that calms down math (!!!).

I'm on my way home to see my three darlings