depression diaries 3

so went on a trip

magical for me

for her it conjures frightening memories of wanting to die

when we were there she just wanted to come home so she can lie in bed whole day 

so glad we went for that was exactly what we don't want her to do haha

get up get moving see things let the body know what it is to live 

she did say she got good sleep and waking and eating routines on the trip relieved about that

but she also felt super duper low

narrowed down that school stress is a factor that we must control

so gonna drop history and skip pe. 

depression diaries 2

been learning more from her psychologist and acupuncture therapist

walking is good. but cannot force.so trying to work it into her day so she needs to walk a bit to get around. some hits some misses 

she does draw energy from people around her though she may not admit it so spending time with her as soon as I'm.home having her siblings crash the party and chittering chatter

talking about childhood memories these help

she reminded me to massage her at critical accupressure points 

she is planning ahead hoping to take on part time jobs at bookshops and volunteer at the writers Festival 

she did ask whether she would have these kinds if low days on holidays.  I said she may but we could draw strength from the nature that will surround us there. pray I'm right. 

pray that being with trees and the sea and wild life esp dolphins and seals and maybe even whales may help

she tends to be a little fearful of animals but hope she will draw strength from them too. koalas and kangaroos

we did the grounding exercise yesterday that helped as well

5 things we can see 

4 things we can feel 

3 thing we can hear 

2 things we can smell

1 thing we can taste 

and she has this set of thinking traps she can catch herself from falling 

so much so much. 

thank you God for being with us

results day tomorrow

we are planning a lunch date

 regardless of his results.

to celebrate his efforts and our support 

psle2023. 

akshaya got 262. that's crazy high. she is clearly one of the brightest in her school.  I must tell her that. 

ashwin is already is sota. very happy. now praying for a good result. 

el 1-3

tll1-3

math 2-4

science 2-4

6 to 14! huge range ah well 

depression diaries 1

so my daughter has depression 

she is 14 years old. Will be fifteen in a month and a half

she has had thoughts of self harm 

she has low energy 

she  says she is bisexual 

she has been in and out of hospitals a lot  these two years

she had to be admitted for  uc

then she had unexplained dizziness for months  that made her miss most  of sec 3

amd she had nerve pains. 

she has done well in the exams she did take which has boosted her confidence 

she has anxiety attacks 

I think sometimes she like is fine being sick and depressed in that she does not really want to get better. she admitted that today 

I have diff ways of coping and helping her. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is right or wrong 

I don't know for example if I should give up work for a year to help  her thru this

I get annoyed when people don't want to get better 

and I may not  be understanding enough 

today I had  to get firm and insist on her doing  things. asked her to please  say what she  likes to have dates with.

come for a walk with me to buy the fruit she wants.  

she was just lying in bed curled up lethargic. 

I am struggling to know how best to help

do I let her be

do I force her

she has a powerful mind

such that even if she engages in activities that could be helpful she may resist the help. 

why wouldn't people who are sick want to get better?

mum behaving badly

I don't know what to say

ever since I came back from India I'm so crabby

I have a part of me judging me constantly like my mil

and in turn my hurt comes out in barbs to my kids

the other day I saw my son with her eyes and saw myself as a mum with her eyes

and I was not happy

and I pointed out all his flaws

the way she pointed out all of mine 

and I made him cry 

the way I cried

he sobbed feeling worthless

as I did

then I'm constantly told I'm too loud

guess if I'm constantly told its true

I should do something about it

but it's like a curbing of my spirit

come to think of it

my boss has told me

my colleagues have told me

my husband has told me

my kids tell me everyday many times

I'm loud when I'm excited 

I'm irritated that the kids are so self conscious 

of not wanting to draw any attention to themselves 

that any peep out of me is condemned as embarrassing 

sigh. every kid is embarrassed by their parents at some time. Guess i have come to that time. 

but I behaved quite childishly just now

petulant

dropped my daughter's bag on the pavement and just left them

not sure why I'm behaving like this

saro thought he had misplaced his car key and was so frantic searching for it since Monday. 

turned it it was with me in my jeans pocket and just a few min before I found it I was spiteful enough to reflect on how his mum says I always lose things see how he has lost it

and I found it with me

so she's right again

it's me

I'm loud

I'm indulgent

I'm spoilt 

I'm careless 

I'm cavalier about electricity and money 

and I have to live with me

they have to live with me

not very fun I guess 

not sure what I can do now

right thing to do is apologise for my bad behaviour with both my kids. say I had a lot on my mind.  maybe it is true I'm too loud.  Will try to talk more softly 

not sure whom and where i can he loud with though. 

maybe I can just forget my voice.  

being self pitying now. 

sigh. 

I've childishly taken to deleting all messages from my mil for now. I really don't want to see her anymore. I won't be sharing pics or videos of the kids with her anymore.  I won't ask her how to do things anymore. I'm done. she is just a person far away from me. I won't be inviting her to come over any more.

she takes my kindness for weakness 

my curiosity amd admiration for ignorance.  

I'm done with her judging me constantly. done done done

I need to go back to whom I am

one who sees her children for what they have who they are not for all they lack

not to set measure against which they fail 

but to just see them where they are and love them as they are and teach them my own way

I won't talk outside with my eldest two. only with the youngest 

I'll do my best. 

I don't like myself. that is hard. 

Aishwarya my editor

I have a chief editor and she is 9

no other editor I will have in my life I think will love me and my work and take such care as she at this age

you should have seen her last night 

even the week before at the clinic

she looked thru the 1st 15 poems and said that's all for one ? I amended it and she said this is much better! 

then last night she looked thru almost the whole set, all 50 poems. commented on the order gave suggestions . true frank suggestions unbiased honest

then we started brainstorming for titles. had a set she went around getting votes from the family 

then we got a whole bunch of poetry books from my house. she arranged them on a circle with us in the centre and we explored how each of them are organised. she wrote down categories. 

made me stop when i was about to rush thru one and said wait let's see this and she pondered and that actually led us to a possible title! 

"leaves in the wind"

to suggest temporality, beauty, nature tinged which most of my poems are 

a kind of randomness too about the collection and how this randomness can add beauty 

I'm going to create a vault too of poems we could include to replace exisiting ones. 

she said we must include poems people can relate to. 

she also prompted me to write a poem about the trees they cut down at my place to express my anger and dismay. and I did! and feel happy coz then I had a poem after a long time

and best of all now at least 10 poetry collections have resurfaced to me for my reading.  this too will help me wrote more and improve my work. so... yay! 

psle stress

ah where do I start

ashwin is stressed by psle

and by us

he has said the most poignant things recently as a result 

1. Aatha have you ever felt like no matter how much you do it's never enough? 

man that's my daily state of mind ! but I'm 45 and he's 12

2. I wish I could go back to being a  baby- then in only cried coz I wanted milk, needed a change of diapers or to sleep. 

now, if need milk I can make it. change diapers I can take care of it and sleep if I'm tired. but i don't how to solve the things I cry about now

friendship

I feel blindsided 

from the mother I had the idea the two girls were going as a pair. 

but she has plans to go with 2 other girls 

so it's good akshaya has plans to go with her school friends too

just that only one is a friend. the other that friends friend. 

she would have felt more secure with one friend for herself and her biddy with another 

now will she feel like a third wheel? 

man i dunno. 

maybe the three can bond over taylor. 

and I'll four tix. 

maybe hasini can come if she doesn't get with her buddies. or shruthi. or anyone else in her school. 

or me as a last resort haha

aishu says

teacher climbed on a stool to switch on the only onable aircon 

coming down the escalator she looks up behind her and says look how far we have come from the up 

thoughts on dsa

Part of me feels this is too much to impose on 11- 12 year olds 

auditions interviews change the piece on the spot 

another part is excited. stretches kids. makes it interesting.  break from the mundane prep for written exams 

and yet another part feels so much. that some of the kids who've prepared this much may not get in. praying ashwin does. and I must remind us of the fun and value in just the prep. 

ashwin says

more mind bending stuff from my lateral thinker 

1. sees the picture of Mother Mary in the altar and says 

she is wearing a tudong

2. I want to finish the sports section he says with determination.  I'm thinking of the straits tines, but he means.. of the libaray at Punggol. Life goals! 

3. a big fluffy dog is on the corner . we walk one way not quite towards it

he says ah I wanted to go that way to pat the dog

almost before he finishes his sentence we turn towards the dog

he say no I meant I wanted to see it. 

hahahajajaaj

4. he asks if arun plays for the national team! 

growing up ashwin

I have a boy

11 going on 12.

Heaven forbid 

I hold his hand in public

but ... 

-11 going on 12 -

the 'going' is key 

in particular the -ing

a process that continues,

hopefully infinitely.

I hold close the moments 

when we watch a candlelight concert - 

he leans his head on my shoulder;

a movie at home- 

he pulls me close so we can snuggle. 

Today, he asked me 

to walk him to class,

past a tiny but barky dog, 

nevermind he went in

without saying bye. 

I smile a secret smile.

He needed me.

He warms my heart, 

my little man. 

We never stop needing our parents though we may show it less and less.

I reach for my phone

to call my mum,

just to say hi.

I'm sure I warmed her heart too.

what do I do

what's the point of doing yoga and praying and all if I lash out at my son all the time

he should be scared of me

I've yelled at him quite badly on Thursday night and sat morning. 

next time he bugs me

I must take a deep breath and compose myself.

thank god for ashwin first 

then step out of me and tell him what he needs to do firmly 

lead by example. 

now he will only learn to yell when things don't go right. 

that has to change. 

ashwin strikes

1. do you want some juice? I got to get rid of some juice first. eww. 

2..we were talking about spices and colonialism and he suddenly said, so because of vegetables countries went to war? another reason not to like or eat vegetables 

win lah!

Mother's day 2023

mothers day reflections

not sure where to start 

kids gave me cute presents 

spent much needed time with saronic snatcheslost myself in a boom which was great

but I'm also losing my patience with akshaya 

worrying about spoiling her

and her not sleeping 

she's a sensitive soul

and by taking such care of her 

not sure if I'm helping or hurting her

making her dependent? 

too entitled? 

and i get fed up when she finds new things to worry about each night.  

not very fair of me I guess 

I feel like I should devote more time to her exclusively 

but also am worried about work 

and ashwin

and aishu 

so

I dunno

also 

ashwin thoughts

A few weeks ago we were at the newly consecrated Mariamman Temple at South Bridge Road. 

After praying, as we were walking out, we looked up at the ceiling and saw the beautiful paintings of the 9 Avatharams of Vishnu. 

Ever the teacher, I tried to test my son, asking him " Do you recognise these paintings? "

Casual as ever he said, " Yes, that's you when you are angry sometimes, and that's also you other times", pointing at the images of Parusuram, and Narashiman! (two of Vishnu's more fierce avatharams he took, to destroy evil). 

Gobsmacked, I could only laugh, and reflect on his words..a reminder to me this PSLE year to be less scary and more kind, like Lord Ram or Krishna perhaps haha.

And... of course he recognises the Avatharams. Instead of me teaching him, he ended up teaching me...

missing my kids

I miss hugging them

as they miss me 

but my big little one is already missing me 

thinking of tomorrow 

when I will hug them too! 

let's talk nablus aish baby

she is so cute asks rhe most pertinent wjm

fears

I may as well write down my fears 

I fear I fear

she may by dying

that's a bit extreme. that's what I worried about last night 

but we are all dying 

still not before her time 

and not with so much pain and discomfort 

now I worry 

she may become wheelchair bound

I worry deeply about her quality of life 

she has so much to give 

so much love

only 14 her life cannot change like this 

please God

you gave her ulcerative colitis 

and now something new? 

dizziness ans buckling legs 

did the earlier one not incapacitate her enough 

you want to hurt her more 

I've already said she can skip a year of school 

but I need the money

I don't dare give up my job now

not when she needs so much more care that may cost us a lot 

I'm 

Akshaya's Hospital Adventures

Medical procedures and treatment

1. scope 2 times. 2018 and 2022

2..ultra sound. 2023

3. mri 2023 brain scan 

4. blood transfusion 2023

5. drip

6. antibiotics iv and oral

7. rectal foam

8. incision and

9. wound dressing

10. steroids. iv and oral 

11. needle in open wound 

12. iv plug left hand right hand 

13. blood tests 

14. finger prick 

15. physio therapy

16. therapy! 

parenting ashwin

yesterday morning i took a deep breath and said I'd breathe life and kindness ro my children, and i turned ashwin's day around by joking with him and all. 

but by 5pm I lost it and yelled at him so much.  and again at 8pm. I feel awful.  I need my spirit giving spirit to last the whole day especially when he acts up. how do I calm him down in a middle of a melt down. and teach him things well. he's getting to that stage where he doesn't want to do things for others gets very impatient if things don't go exactly his way and all. I get worried seeing that but yelling at him may not help. please help me God. 

daft

I feel awful 

in tending to 1 kid I ignored the needs of the other

I should have told ashwin more firmly that he cannot snack after the play before hand

After the play he was a little kid and wanted to eat so badly and she suggested macs and we went

but it triggered for her how different her life is 

and she couldn't sleep till 1 plus. 

neither could  I. but I deserved it

sigh 

she said she feels so angry like she wishes she could smash things 

has quite awful mood swings. hoping it was due to stopping of steroids and not something new for her

one day she went to the canteen and felt really sad 

ashwin felt quite bad about making her sad. Guess he won't ask for food when she is around anymore. 

I'm not sure what to do

can we even manage 

perhaps we should not travel end of the year. 

I'm so scared

and I feel like giving in. 

telling her we can buy those fries if she wants.  

and so scared of my weakness

sham and kannan they never eat out. wish I could get the kids to be like that too.  

so many fears and dreams

so many fears and dreams and thoughts about my little man ashwin

I love him

he is a light in this world who doesn't know his own brightness 

I feel I can and should help him more

First is to help him get a grip on things and not be so certain he has made a mistake 

help him be more organised about when things are due so he is not working in blind panic all the time 

work in his breaks properly 

night after night

every night my baby cries and my heart breaks

 he doesn't just cry he wails.

i wish I could help him. 

my youngest suggests cutting everything for a month and see

I'm thinking he wants to study beyond just doing homework

I should fix those study times with him then so he doesn't feel so lost

his wails are from the pit of his stomach. he only wails like thst when he feels scared and out of his depth. 

I want to hug him close and tell him its going to be ok

soccer dreams

I'm here now at barca academy

ashwin is in soccer tryouts

I remember him going for soccer classes when he was younger at Koran

the ball would roll to his feet and he still wouldn't kick it

but he'd say he wants to go to class

so I thought it's not for him

now he is 11 going on 12

we watched the world cup in Nov. 

he got hooked. a

and he goes down to play the game with his friends

and now he is here at the academy 

nervous coz he has so little training 

let's see.

soccer seems an aggressive sport. 

he is not thr aggressive sort 

he can run thought

it's nice watching him again like I used to when he was younger 

now he gets the ball and kicks it

the mothers worry I wish inhad put sunscreen for him! 

he can run! 

aishu turns 9

from having no plans to suddenly being plan filled my baby 's birthday turned out orety nice

haul of presents. 

markers drawing journalz 4 story books cards tee shirt toys Waterville, watch

gorgeous experimental birthday cake

midnight shopping for a bike

pastamania llunch

surprise party after school. 

and in 3 weeks time a water party with her friends. fingers crossed that goes well too..

 

parenting lessons

today I learnt an expensive lesson in parenting

I paid 350 dollars for an enrichment class for my daughter in dance. a 2 week dance convention.  

I had done so.based on my experience of watching it over the years and admiring it and knowing such exposure is good for aspiring dancers 

but she was not keen

and I signed her up anyway

and she was so grumpy about it

and fell ill on that day

almost willfully I would believe haha

and we made a deal she just needs to attend 1 day of the 4 to give it a chance 

and she did and predictably said she doesn't want to attend more 

and now I am short of 350 and my daughters respect and I may have turned her away from such classes in the future too

sigh. 

for her I drove her there and went back again to give her drink for her throat and back again to pick her up . she said no thanks. 

what do I do. I signed her up so it's my fate to send her and pick her up and be at her beck and call

or teach her manners and not to take things for granted and to say please and thank you even if its for classes she dislikes 

I give up and shall say nothing. I need to go for  a walk or something. I don't like her very much now and she doesn't like me much

from her perspective 

my mum signs me up for something without asking me 

she doesn't care that I'm sick still sending me for it 

guilt trips me saying it cost her 350 bucks.

yup. that's how I look to her now. 

sigh. 

I had a delicious cup of coffee today. and played with my bird in between my chauffeuring duties. 

am gonna get my bike and head down to coney Island. 

aishu the wordsmith

I'm getting less flexible aatha or is it morningness? 

I better not exercise with my dance dress it will get unironed 

my babies hair

her hair was quite long. beautiful too. she wanted to cut it. so now it lies on floor. lovely tresses. I wonder if we should have given it for hair for hope instead. it would make a beautiful wig. soft and silky. 

literature

akshaya works so hard

appreciated the poem

but still scored so little

feel.bad for her 

must experience success 

moods

I'm.back to feeling like I'll never be happy again 

she has a flare. it's been 2 weeks. Still there is blood, pain. 

I just need to give the flare time to subside I guess 

confidence

okay akshaya is having a hard time 

however we need to help her look beyond her health conditions and not feel sorry for herself

she needs to stop feeling a victim and take control of her life again

How you can celebrate small successes darling! 

you: 

- ate late night dinner with no issues

- ate panneer with no issue- both signs if improving health because of all your perseverance and self discipline in taking your medicines 

- were able to focus in a new math tuition class  despite feeling nervous, and apply learning, showing dedication and willingness to learn and grow 

- spoke to new kids at bhajan, willing to step out of shell when nec, showing courage 

- led games at kavins party, willing to set aside personal pains and worries for sake of loved ones

- demonstrated self control at the parties, with regard to food, showing great maturity and trust,

- finding new recipes that make life interesting again showing willingness to try new things and being open

- consistently taking the modulant even if not enjoyable, showing determination to get well and perseverance and sense of duty

- found pockets of time in school to do homework even before coming home- showing dedication, motivation and resourcefulness. 

- survived a full day of lessons despite headaches and other aches and pains. You are a champion already darling 

Now we just have to keep going step by step. 

I love you

 

everyday stop a minute and tell yourself all that you have done well.  you do so many things you don't even realise! 

akshaya in school

Nice teachers for Math, Lit, Tamil

Strict teacher for history 

Boring teacher for 

parenting ashwin

man today I yelled at ashwin just before he went to school. sigh he was just himself i guess but I noticed like 10 things he could have done better all at once and I lost it. I opened his school bag to put covers for his exercise books and I found a math worksheet just stuffed in BESIDE the file. The last 5 years and in particular last year we have spent hours, HOURS looking for stray pieces of homework.  and first week of school he stuffs the paper like that! yesterday also he cried that he must have left it at school and I found it at the bottom of the file crumpled. yesterday to today, same piece of paper, he doesn't think to take care of it! and this is not new we have discussed putting his hw in his file a gazillion times. ok so first thing to set me off, his paper outside his file. then I take his exercise books. all no name no subject  no cover nothing. so asked him to sit down and tell me while I write for him as he was having breakfast. the pen doesn't work so I take his pencil case out and what do I find inside... broken pens, springs plastic bits, unsharpened pencils no eraser ... i dump out all his broken stuff . I had asked him to pack his pencil case before school started on wed and on Fri its like this means this is what he thinks is a well packed pencil case! grrr. then we write names. earlier he said he can't find his notebooks when they were clearly in his cupboard. wrote tamil spelling in a book that later turned out to be his English journal he had started in class but did not write the name outside.  oh my god. so all this done his cubes. precious cubes. he throws them in the bag too and when you open the zip they just tumble out. these are cubes he does actually care about but not enough to put them in little felt bags that the cubes came with!!! I cannot take it. he cries when the cubes  break. but even when i offer him his felt bag he refuses it!!!! what do I with this guy!!! 

then he goes to his room and growls and groans, scaring everyone. I go to see what's going in he says he is angry he got scolded for 30 min. that's what he is angry about. whining about getting scolded not focused on what he has learnt

 he should be celebrating. voila today he learnt a packed pencil case should have working pens and pencils and not broken bits. he learned his cubes need a felt bag to be safe. he learnt notebooks need names and subject titles on them. should be happy right at last he learnt these things. grrrrrrrrr

parenting ashwin

man today I yelled at ashwin just before he went to school. sigh he was just himself i guess but I noticed like 10 things he could have done better all at once and I lost it. I opened his school bag to put covers for his exercise books and I found a math worksheet just stuffed in BESIDE the file. The last 5 years and in particular last year we have spent hours, HOURS looking for stray pieces of homework.  and first week of school he stuffs the paper like that! yesterday also he cried that he must have left it at school and I found it at the bottom of the file crumpled. yesterday to today, same piece of paper, he doesn't think to take care of it! and this is not new we have discussed putting his hw in his file a gazillion times. ok so first thing to set me off, his paper outside his file. then I take his exercise books. all no name no subject  no cover nothing. so asked him to sit down and tell me while I write for him as he was having breakfast. the pen doesn't work so I take his pencil case out and what do I find inside... broken pens, springs plastic bits, unsharpened pencils no eraser ... i dump out all his broken stuff . I had asked him to pack his pencil case before school started on wed and on Fri its like this means this is what he thinks is a well packed pencil case! grrr. then we write names. earlier he said he can't find his notebooks when they were clearly in his cupboard. wrote tamil spelling in a book that later turned out to be his English journal he had started in class but did not write the name outside.  oh my god. so all this done his cubes. precious cubes. he throws them in the bag too and when you open the zip they just tumble out. these are cubes he does actually care about but not enough to put them in little felt bags that the cubes came with!!! I cannot take it. he cries when the cubes  break. but even when i offer him his felt bag he refuses it!!!! what do I with this guy!!! 

then he goes to his room and growls and groans, scaring everyone. I go to see what's going in he says he is angry he got scolded for 30 min. that's what he is angry about. whining about getting scolded not focused on what he has learnt

 he should be celebrating. voila today he learnt a packed pencil case should have working pens and pencils and not broken bits. he learned his cubes need a felt bag to be safe. he learnt notebooks need names and subject titles on them. should be happy right at last he learnt these things. grrrrrrrrr