worries

A part of me worries 

that I make things worse for her 

took her to yoga and started the joint pains? 

took her swimming and worsened them? 

sigh. 

who care about f-ing intentions

just look at the results. I'm so sorry baby. so so so sorry 

now I want to project only good health for u, the way you want it darling

I envision good health and happiness for you, for the taylor swift concert we are so looking forward to

please God

thank you for making her well enough to enjoy the concert fully no pains only laughter and singing and joy

please God

please God

please God

if someone must be in pain

let it be me

not her

please God

please God

please God

 

I'll make offerings again for you

I'll think of the kuladeivams again for you the pen deivams again

captive to my teen

I must first erase my ego

and let the 15 year old control me completely 

I am gonna try it

She's threatening me

by cutting herself,

her body buckling in pain 

acting up every which way 

nerves joints dizziness chest pains,

you name it her body presents it.

She is threatening me,

her body is threatening me

and I don't want her or her body to suffer.

I must give in.

It's blackmail but

I don't see a way out 

so when she says 

I want to drop a subjext 

I'll be saying OK

no questions asked 

when she says

I don't want to go to school.

I'll say OK.

Starting today - 

cos I saw the marks on her wrist 

and I am scared.

I'd rather have a lazy bum escapist daughter 

than no daughter 

thank you very much 

and besides

she is very bright 

when she decides to get to something 

she will

so I shouldn't stand in the way 

trying to act all responsible mother like

just give her what she wants

each and every time 

no school? OK

new clothes? OK

trip to Europe? OK

Ok Ok Ok

you just be ok

She said the other day 

she finds it hard to believe 

there are people who have no pain any time of the day

not even a cold

coz she's been in constant pain

for days weeks months years? 

so you know what 

heck it

she wants a new bag-Ok

no school -Ok

just get ok

depression diaries 10

spoke to psychologist clara.she suggests just acknowledging the pains when they come. try to sit with the pain and figure out  what may be causing it

and suggested I tell her openly my concerns. so I listen to her and let her do as she likes or encourage her to go to school 

Also realise she really cannot do ma y things like yoga and all

one day of yoga and now she has 10 days of knee pain. possibly inflammation  related to uc! 

just kill me. so am gonna really take my cue from her but also get her back to the pool. no weight nothing there