psle results

akshaya got 262 for her psle with 3 A stars and one A

I got 232 with one A star and 3 As

next year on the kids won't have this number tagged to them. you cannot tell how relieved I am. 

First the good stuff. am so proud of akshaya. she worked hard. and she and her friends all did equally well. 263 for shruthi. 266 for hasini. 263 for thilaga

akshaya has come out among the top students in her school, top 10 percent definitely..as I did from cedar ha, but not psle.

she worked hard and consistently. we did not cut off books for her. she set her own targets and revised them. lots of pep talks from us. wonderful support of her teachers. Mrs Ravi cried in happiness for akshaya . I'm so moved by that teacher whom akshaya only got to know for a year. she helped coach her for her dsa too. 

akshaya and thilaga seem to be among the very few who got thru dsa too. 

I'm very blessed. 

i worry a bit too. akshaya needs to face challenges. her health is a challenge already of course  one we cannot lightly forget about. academically too. I'm not saying I wish she had not got dsa not got her results and all. of course she deserved to get it. it didn't just come from nowhere but with hours of practice dedication and sacrifice. so that's a good lesson for her. she didn't do well in her dance exam coz she didn't practice. that was good for her. she didn't do as well in math because her midset was not right. that was good for her. so a lot of things have to be in the right balance for her to do well and she had some small setbacks to help spur her on. 

she went for math and science tuition. English and tamil regular coaching from us. so all her subject bands were covered. science was almost on a request basis as the same tutor was her math tutor. she had her teachers rooting for her, her tutors rooting for her too. such a blessed child. God's own child. 

she succeeded out of hard work and solid support.  

the kids who don't have this level of support, it is harder for them. fact of life. 

now, some awkward feelings. 

that with her score saro and I can hold our heads up high. it shouldn't be that way? but kids do make parents proud. and we are not only proud of academic achievement.  also other areas. but this system. that places a score on 12 year old and parents feel proud or downcast coz of that score... that sucks. a father whose son got 243 was saying it in a downcast manner. 

I would have been so sad if my dad had to tell people I got 232 in a sad manner.. it would have killed me what are we doing to our kids. shouldn't we be saying he got 243! he got 232! he finished this gruelling journey doing the best he could! 

then I think people might think easy for me to say ' my kid got 262. I don't know. id like to think I would have said that no matter what she got. 

one day the test will come I suppose. I don't need the kids to do badly to test if my theories about how I might behave are true! but in my heart I believe 

1. the journey is more important than the destination 

2. values matter more than grades 

well thanks for hearing me ramble on! 

education and the state

 Today I learnt with a sense of dejavu and horror that our education system is a state machination. 

I've always known it but never been confronted with it the way I was today 

I was told that sustainability is going to be an issue we need to pay attention to - my ears perked up - that's great - that's relevant - we can all afford to think about sustainability 

Then comes the caveat - be aware of NEA guidelines and definitions of sustainability and do not promote books or ideas that go against NEA's guidelines. Some of Singapore's practices would not be considered sustainable by international standards

decisions motivations

Aishwarya shared with me her decision making process. a few sec within which to debate before acting. 

she had spilled some soup while running with it to put it back at a tray return point.

teacher asked who did it

she thought

1. if I don't admit, one of my friends may get into trouble instead of me

2. if i don't admit, I will not be deserving of the adjective my teacher attached to my name-honest Aishwarya 

3. I want to tell the truth but I'm a bit scared. 

4. my teacher may scold  worse if she find out I lied. remember terence! 

5. she may not scold me at all if I tell the truth 

all in  split second and she made up her mind and she walked up and told her, amidst the clamour of children vehemently denying that they had done it. ..

the reward. teacher asked her to clean it up.  no scolding. a warm feeling of having done the right thing despite the temptation and choice available to not own up. 

New decisions

I should update you 

that my son has decided to give up his idea of staying single. 

he made the decision one night after making his younger sister sleep. he must have been 7. 

apparently it wore him out and he decided to stay single. his dislike of romance and the terms boyfriend an girlfriend kind of sealed the deal for him.  

last night he suddenly asked, is it bad to be single and I said no. I wasn't connecting this to his conversation  2 years ago see. 

he persisted. wont it he boring, there wouldn't be anyone to play with 

I said singles can play with their friends. (ah the idealism of youth... that even as we grow up, wanting to play is the key thing on our minds- it should be !) 

but they would have to check if they were free and all. yes I nodded. 

then I asked , are you rethinking your idea of staying single. he nodded seriously. it couldn't be because if a girl i knew, (he's 9!). what happened i asked him.. what if I get scared and all... ? 

I have sherlock Holmes and the story the speckled band to thank for this change of heart. he got sonscared reading it, he is now open to getting married! 

measurements for cold

aishu, the little stick that she is, has interesting ways of talking about how cold she is 

I'm frozed aatha. 

in super duper duper duper duper 59 dupers cold. 

holding you

Holding your little hands in mine,

Brushing your soft cheeks with my lips

Inhaling your sweet baby smell,

I'm in heaven right now. 

aishu's good and bad news

akshaya's poems/ thoughts from on the spot poetry writing competition 2019

fluffy white clouds

bobbing about

rushing water curving

around smooth rocks

the sunlight so

bright lighting the 

world

birds perched on

branches so high 

oh the joy that 

only nature can provide 

I dont like school

it takes up most of the day 

but we still have fun 

we laugh and we play 

aishu asks

yesterday aishu asked

we people have so many jobs

why do  bees have only 1 job... making honey

led to conversation about human intelligence vs animal intelligence

always the animal advocate my son was quick to point out that primates have high levels of intelligence. and dolphins. 

but not as high as us was my comeback! 

and the babybqas taken by how kind and cruel we can be 

two months

just about 2 months ago my ashwin and I went cycling and he said "aatha tell me when it is safe to cross then I will do so. 

I felt so important. so needed. so protective. heart bursting really. 

fast forward to 2 months later, today, he tells me, I will go home first okay, and sets off. I follow slowly behind with the youngest. 

just 2 months. he has grown. 

today he subconsciously reached for my hand as I walked him to school.

I consciously appreciate the soft pressure of his fingers in mine, not knowing when he may pull away

aishu's convictions and questions

a felt a tug on my pants and note floated up to me from under the table. I read it. 

"what is the point of living if we die in the end?" 

in green ink and crooked handwriting of the 6 year old. 

I told her wow was not expecting this from under the table what prompted it 

shakespeare aatha you remember you said he asked something like this 

I'm thinking hamlet in his soliloquy. 

that was a ling time ago that we talked about hamlet 

a few min later she returns. I just read stories of durga.  bramha tells mahisheswara all who are born must die. so the question. 

later we talk about it 

 she says she has an answer to the question. in the life we have we must do our part. to save the earth to save fellow human beings. ⁰

sleeping forms

nothing can give a mother more joy perhaps 

than to look upon the form

of her sleeping child

in repose the baby face 

now she curls up towards her father 

nuzzling in 

am so in love with her 

my little daughter 

6 years old and so wise 

so participative 

so involved in everything 

truly my blessing 

I love her so much 

growing thru questions

you can really see him growing thru the questions he asks 

from 

where was I when you were 4 years old. 

to I dont mind dying. am happy to go see god 

to is god taking naps when I'm angry? how do we know there is Heaven? how donwe know there is god even 

and that time when he was distraught that when we reincarnate he will have a different mother

and that time when he suddenly blurted out when thenlightbcane on, that's how I felt when I came out of your womb

conversations with the son

my son suddenly asks 

I wish we really knew there was Heaven. 

I asked him why this doubt 

he said what if whe we die we just lie there like that all the time. 

why hasn't anyone come back from heaven to tell us it's really there ? 

I said you know about reincarnation right. so not to worry you onvioulsybare an old should in this young body asking me all these difficult questions. 

he laughs and goes off. 

a few min later he is back. 

you know bheesma? (from the mahabharatha) 

when he makes his vow the heavens shower flowers down 

do you think if I made such a vow for would throw flowers down at me too? 

I said it depends Bheeshma had a good reason for his vow. for you, if it's just because you dont like romance and marriage, God may just throw some tomatoes at you. 

he giggles at this idea.  is very tickled at the idea of this

still giggling  he says even if god throw s tomatoes at least I'll know he exists. 

ah. 

before I can say anything he continues 

I think God may be taking a bao everytime I'm angry or sad 

well, I said I don't know about God's captives, I mean I cant rule out the possibility that God's naptime coincides exactly whenever you feel angry or sad. 

but you know feeling angry, sad, scared, these are important feelings.. for one thing you find out what makes you feel this way 

he interjexts, you mean like when building Lego,  

I nod and say yeah, and you learn how to cope. for another when you overcome whatever makes you angry or sad or scared, you grow.  like you have now finished your lego piece and it's beautiful you feel proud of yourseld for completing it. 

he smiles. the questions end there for the night. whew. 

so these are his thoughts. 

is there god

is there heaven 

if there is God why do i feel sad or angry at times? 

how can I know for sure about god

deep questions for a 9 year old. 

at some point I'll have to tell him its asking these questions that is important, and that he has to find his own answers.  

happy birthday Ashwin

tomorrow you will be nine 

my love 

we have a photo of you in the hall, as a little baby

you lie on your tummy and look at camera. the lit up all you are actually looking at creats a glow across your face and your lips are open in wonder

may you always have that precious capacity for wonder my boy. you look at the world and see things differently.  that is a gift. 

you feel so much. another precious gift.. those who feel a lot get hurt. but they have so much to give.   I pray you stay strong even as you feel so much

you have a truly unique perspective. you play music like it flows from you to your finger tips. you sing devoutly. 

you draw like it's so easy. 

god bless you my son always and always 

things they say

ashwin tells me in the midst of a  workshop I'm kind of guiding - yiubare too busy working to be a mother. 

I switched off audio and video and took him onto my lap. 

yesterday the little one tells me

I think I know how I will feel if I die.

millions of years ago I wasnt alive right. 

so I think I'll be okay if I die

 

blessed

How blessed am I

to have a child

who cries at night 

in anguish for the ant

he accidentally killed 

earlier that day,

who groans in pain

that over a year ago,

he may have fed milk 

to a stray puppy

that may have harmed it 

instead of helped,

who asked me once

when watching a Tamil song-

the perennial scene

of a boy chasing and teasing a girl-

"why does he do that, 

she doesn't like it".

Keep this spirit of empathy 

in you my boy

the world needs it so,

to be able to see what is there,

not be desensitized 

and take it as normal,

to feel the hurt as it is.

I pray you stay strong 

even as you feel,

my love

circuit breaker activities

plays 

falling by pandemonium 

Frankenstein 

late company 

emily of emerald hill

books 

diary of a somebody 

mirror and light 

aishu story

Aishu wrote a delightful story last night 

A duck and a goose both wanted the same flower

The petals fell off

Both walked away 

So profound. About the transience of beauty, the shallowness of people in pursuit of beauty.  

poem for dr tan

one thing we can say for sure

ellb will never be the same without you

cycling

Cycling with my son yesterday made me feel like a mom again 

He stopped at a junction and said 

"Tell me when its safe to cross"

And my heart beamed 

I had care of a little person and he looked to me for guidance. 

Later I left alone for 5 min at some rocks leading to the water while I cycled on with my daughter. 

When I came back he shared a tale 

Apparently he had lured an eel onto the bank with a blue bell as bait.

Then the eel got stuck for a few sec on the sticky petals of the blue bell . He saw the rows of sharp teeth the eel had. 

Such a pleasure listening to his stories. 5 min alone on the bank of a river was sufficient time for his imagination to get working. 

Such a pleasure my 8 year old boy. 

night terrors

I had fallen asleep when suddenly my son cried out. He was afraid to go to school. Afraid of his Tamil teacher who might yell at him if he forgot his work

He thinks he remembered all his work but what if he had forgotten something 

The tears rolled down 

I'm sorry I woke you up aatha in the midst of the tears 

Hard to console the fella in my half sleep

Rubbed his back

Told him he had done his best after all

If she shouts take it in one year out the next etc etc 

Part of me wanted to take it up with the teacher! Stop terrorising my son!

But then id  be the terror mum haha! 

Besides if I told my son I'd talk to the teacher he would stop telling me things. He doesn't want me to fight his battles. Just be there and support him.  

He eventually fell asleep. 

A little later the little girl work up crying. Seems she had hit her chin in her sleep!

Ha. Very hard for a mum to get to sleep. 

A few min later the eldest wakes me up. Asks me to come to her room. 

Dad needs to sleep on the big bed to protect his back. 

I had dreams about arranging books and tensions of working from hom and all

.all in all not the best night for sleep haha! 

All in all I dodnt

I feel so blessed

I am reading Fahrenheit 451. Just read anne of green gables. 

These wonderful characters 

Clarise. Anne. 

Who ask tough questions of the everyday that everyone else takes for granted 

Those who feel so much

I feel so blessed to have a child in my own life who asks questions like that and feels so much.he makes people uncomfortable maybe but he is there so real.  I am blessed 

my son

I can only love my son as I do

And show him my love in ways he allows

If he should light on me

That's my grace 

So proud of him!

Watching Free Willy with my son was an experience to cherish. I had to hug him close and wipe the silent tears that ran down his cheeks, as he grappled with the fact that Jesse had been abandoned by his mother. That shook him.  Also the killer whale, and its terror at the kids banging at the glass, and its cruel separation from its own family.  

He feels so much for misunderstood people and creatures. He asked me at least 10 times,  "are you sure this has a happy ending?" 

It turned out to be a half happy ending for my son - whale got to be with his family but Jesse had to part from him.

And so it is with life. 

At the end he said 'second time I watch I will know what's going to happen so I won't cry!' We will see I guess. 

the children

I have so much to learn from my children truly. 

Ashwin the other day shared that his least fav part of the say was when he killed an ant accidentally. He had been paying with it watching it marvelling at it. Then absemtmindlely he washed his hands forgetting the ant was on him and he cried and bawled.  I love him. From him I learn empathy for all living things big and small. 

Hes the one who got so mad at me for calling a cow a bad cow in thiruchandoor. !it was kind of different from other cows abit more aggressive.  But he felt I was disrespectful on calling it a mad cow. 2 years later he issued still the same, feeling deeply form  of his an ant. I love him. I'm blessed with him. 

He didtn become a prefect. He wanted to. Partly because his sister is I think . Partly coz it seems an Important role. He aspires towards it. We were all focussed on what he wants but we didnt think enough of his readiness. And he is not yet ready. Not responsible enough yet. Responsible in many ways though. Like homework.  Getting it done. Bringing his stuff to school. And confident with public speaking and singing and all but not fully ready. Very hard to tell him. I need to remember his sweet kind things he does and let him know. He matters. He need not be a prefect to matter. He matters exactly as he is. A deep and reflective and kind thinker. A wizard with dates . An avid and wide reader reading about science and history as well as fiction. These are precious things. Creative in drawing  making stuff. Fast runner. Beautiful gift of a boy.  

Then my aishu man how she empathises! 

She didtn want her father to carry too many bags said she would carry some I cant let him carry all. Insisted I stop munching on the fries or giving her more coz we needed to save these for her father and siblings. Her least fav part of the day was my back hurting! I feel bad not taking her pains more seriously!

baby's teeth are shaking

The baby if6 the family tells me "I feel like I am eating my teeth!" 

Perfect description really as her bottom two front teeth are shaking and she has two fully grown front teeth hiding behind them

starting the year

I've started the year with 3 poetry submissions to mothers always write and 4 poetry submissions to shot glass journal in the hope at least one will be published 11