One long night

3 am. Aishu is running a temp and has no voice- so hoarse! Cough is painful even crying is painful- been trying to sleep all night - mon stop feeding from 10-12 then some rocking and walking then paracetamol and resting now she's trying to sleep in her rocker  

The bully emerges

Such voices in my head self recriminating

I can't manage three kids on my own even with helper. I need three adults fur three kids .

I compare myself with Sita and feel ashamed all the time. She does three solo. Im useless

Day started well and went on well till lunch time which finished early- by 2. Ash even ate egg. Since then it's been downhill past three hours. 

3 bad hours makes me feel like crap. 

Tried to make them sleep and failed. Wanted to spend time playing with then but ashwin so clearly needed sleep he became so cranky. he threw up all of milk and lunch. Nothing in there but two slices of bread now.?

Whose fault? Mine. - just poor judgement. 

Now it's five and he's sleeping. Going to be tough on Saro and ashwin too later tonight. Sigh. Nvm I'll wake him up at 6. 

Recognize my danger buttons: crying in kids. Meals. So must watch out before situation goes out of control

Some self soothing and analyzing now. 

Don't ever compare yourself with others. Only yourself. Same rule applies in school and at home. 

Everyone has bad days bad few hours. 

God is not keeping a score to punish. He wants us all to learn and grow and he loves us

It's okay to be firm with kids. They need it sometimes. Doesn't mean you love them less. They know it too. 

Deal with each day bit by bit. Do not over plan or fret so much about meeting schedules. 

Wake him up at 6 leave for hosp. Return by 8.30. Akshaya to bed first. Simple. 

I can't put both older kids to bed at the same time. I must be firm about that. 

Simple special sat-24 may

Ashwin said pick upping

Akshaya's first tooth fell off in the middle of aparty game! 

Rajee may  have labour induced tomorrow morning

My son

Ah my son! 

So charming to charm

So delightful to delight! 

Gets away with everything

With this cute smile and earnest ways

My sweet son

My life

Daughters are a blessing and mums can be monsters!

Yes. Today my daughter said she's sad I'm going back to work tomorrow 

And I yelled, pushed and scared her- just coz she cried and whined about drinking milk. I scare myself! 

I think she's incredibly brave though. At point she yelled back at - don't shout at me i didn't even say anything you are scaring me!

And another time i asked her why she's crying and she said I don't like you! I don't like you at all! 

The thoughts racing through my mind: 

No wonder she prefers my mum to me

I'm turning her against me

Will this make her a rebel 

To love and hold a baby

What is it to love and hold a baby? 

Indescribable! 

A feeling of love happiness contentment a feeling of being loved enough to have this baby to hold and love

A cuddly warm safe bundle

To kiss And konji

Be amazed by

God's most treasured gift 

Kanna's baby!

Kanna's daughter is coming soon! Deepa Lakshmi cousin to Aishwarya Lakshmi! 

Any day now. 

I must call my boss and tell him I will come back depending on birth or brother's baby! 

Milk milk milk

Am pumping and pumping in prep for work! 

Yesterday was at the consultant again for toshured boob- means milk ducts blocked and gross tunnels pop up on breast! 

Thank god lactation consultant helped me clear it though it was overtime! 

Aishu starts moving around

Exactly last week thurs- Akshaya learned to flip herself onto her tummy! 

Doesn't do it very consciously and often yet , often turns to her side 

She's figured out the cutest way to move around yet though! Legs fly up 90 degrees. They Come down hard at an angle and she's moved . Up again down again moved! Chop chop chop shes turned 90 degrees. Chop cho chop she's turned 180 degrees! It was hilarious watching her at 2 am move around In her sleep! 

Nails the colour of the sea and other things Akshaya says

She's poetic! She told me the other day-, a few days after my pedicure, that she likes my nails/ they were the colour f the sea.,ever since them I love my mail colour even more! 

Yesterday she berated me that I'm not setting a good example for something or the other

She warned Saro not to flick ashwin on his lips for being rude coz he'll just hit her  learning from Saro

She told me and Saro yesterday- Dont waste time talk to each other! You want to buy a house right, so talk! 

Milestone check for babies 1,2 and 3!

Aish turned over by herself! 

Ashwin ran to me Saying I made you a card! 

Akshaya reproached me for telling at her before giving her a chance to speak! 

Saro's birthday

My sweet daughter suggested we go out for his birthday! And that we go to a place he likes! So sweet! For 10 years now we haven't done anything like that can't think why not!!

So we went out. Raffles place a metal swing them Amk mp kio park and Saro and ash went to KFC - little Akshaya didn't join us though:( she left for the far more alluring company of her grandparents! 

Had a nice  unexpected party forvsaro the day before. Baked a vanilla cake made briyani had devi Sath and my parents over:) 

Ai oi dai go away

Ashwins string of 'bad' words! The first frustration he encounters all these words rush out!!! Such a challenge to get him to understand he can't and shouldn't say these things but calmly explain what he wants! Hope this phase passes quickly! He doesn't negotiate as much anymore:( now taken to bullying his want through things. 

Toddler ashwin

Close to 5 am- I can hear my son crying for me-it's heart breaking:( I'm here feeding baby and can't go to him.. If I were to go to him Akshaya would join us there in a few minutes and both would fight if a stray arm or leg touched the other or if they discover the other hugging me! Sigh! 

I want to be there for my kids buy don't know how sometimes.