my son's growing awareness

Stage 1. Age 1 to 5. Listens and believes mum's stories. Babies are stars that God plucks from the sky and places in mothers stomachs 

Stage 2. Age 6. Some awareness. Babies are conceived when people kiss on the lips Ah the joy. He suffered some alarm when i accidentally brushed his lips while kissing him. Had to reassure him that babies domt when mums and sons kiss. 

Stage 3. Age 7. Awareness

Babies are born from sex. If parents have three kids they must have had sex 3 times. Yup ok

 He had to know sometime..and it's TRUE. Every act of sex leads to a baby. 

Stage 4. Age 8. A bit more proper awareness. Sometimes it doesn't work then doctors take mummy sperm and daddy sperm and put them together. Time to correct him..  mummy's egg and daddy sperm. 

Sigh.

ashwin

My 8 year old is at an age where he finds bikinis disgusting

 And he dread songs in tamil movies for he will be subject to bare hips and belly buttons and more in nearly every song. 

He feels sorry for the ladies having to dress and dance like that. He feels squeamish for them

 Feels they must have been forced to dance like that by the male directors 

I dont know what to say. 

Previously I've always enjoyed those fast beat dance songs -i never wiite noticed how scantily dresses the girls were or I just accepted it as norm.  Indeed I have admired the ladies too. Great figures great moves etc. And I proclaim myself to be a feminist.  

Seeing them from my son's eyes makes me re see things. 

And question things. Why this level of objectification, self objectification? 

psle looms

And as much as I dont want to keep talking about it or let it create pressure I fear I have already done so

She starts Tamil tuition today

She started group study two weeks back

 That was fun it ended with a kahoot quiz that the parents all failed

Still

We went for an open house 

We are preparing ourselves and her

Aim for the stars but dont expect anything

How to avoid disappointment 

Tough

God be with us

She needs to know to work hard make sacrifices and all will he worth it coz she wants to do well

I have to read what Peng sent me. Various schedules 

five year old diary

So my five year old has started a diary and she has told me not to looon at it. 

I'm so tickled

. What would a five year old be writing? So course I looked at it. 

So cute. List of friends she loves, likes is okay with and hates! Not in order. Hate came first so you know of know the impetus to start the diary. No reasons. I would love to know! 

All coz my son started a quiz based on diary of Anne Frank. At least I think that's the Impetus. I should ask her. 

Too cute. 

Rathi akka gana akka ashok

The three came to my dads house and we were there too. They were so kind and encouraging of the kids. The kids lapped up the attention and showed off it was so cute
They also made me realise there is a lot of talent among the three.

Mynmar poetey

We are all in Yangon now
Enjoying the greenery
the greenery the windery
The bluery and bullery

What is

What is sex?
What is rape?

The 8 year old asks.
Sigh. The day had to come when I'd break his bubble that babies are born from kissing.

Crumpled hair

Baby says crumpled hair as opposed to near hair

Little boys

Is there anything sweeter
Than to see your 8 year old
Notice you at his class
Give a little smile and turn away
So he thinks you dont see his pleasure
That you are there

Like a little bird

A fledgling in my hands
You hold me entirely in yours
Your non stop chatter
My fav music
Like a parrot on my shoulder

Unconditional love

In the mornings
I lie beside my children
And feel such waves of love wash over me
I love them
Yet know
I cannot expect them to love me back

Like baby birds now
They need me
For food water shelter
To learn how to fly and build a new world

It is my duty
to care for them, teach them, protect them
Love-
That's a bonus
That I love them and love them so much
And that they love me is a gift to treasure
They need not, and may not later on
That is the unconditional love I need to show them
To love them and not expect to be loved in return

Ashwin again

MY sweet son

He took 70 dollars from his money box to popular to buy himself a book. Dodnt ask us nothing. Just did it . His own money part is good. Didnt ask his grandparents to buy it. But still. That much of money casually taken.

Later that evening he cut his own hair.
We found out the next day when the sink was full of hair. He thought his sister told us! I asked to clear put the evidence properly the next time. Apparently he did try.

Next day he cut it again!quite horribly too.
So took him to the barber and he looked like a bald eagle. Serves him right but my heart ached anyway. A previous post talks about my conflicted feelings about that.

Yesterday I have three 3 dollars to spend on a used book. He picked up an abridged version of Anne Frank and that started so many questions. Hes brilliant. He made the kink between th dr Seuss  book about yellownstars on thars with the Jewish yellow stars sewn on clothes and noted the reversal. That's some high level processing.

He talked about age of prime minister.  And how hes above 70. And checked how old iyya was. An that hes not 70 yet. Coz hes not looking forward to the day when...

Such a deep thinker he is.

And my baby. Always in support of her brother
She will fight with him but if i scold him she will cry first. And when she saw how upset he was about his hair she said she wished she was in p2 and in all of his classes so she could keep him company and she wouldn't feel bad about his hair
She is just growing out her hair too see.

Update update
My sweet son wrote me a note! Saying thank you for comforting me when I am scared and making me go to places. I love you 

My hear is singing! Such a balm. When I was worried about what I was doing and whether I was doing right he comes here with all the sweetness of an eight year old and  sets things right
I love him!

Refuge

When your kids come to you
In the middle of the night
Unable to sleep
Haunted by nightmares a persistent cough unnamed fears

What can you do but comfort them' get them meds' water' blankets' lie beside them' draw on their backs

Like a tree that spreads its branches wide to provide refuge for birds and bees
A mother opens her arms to her little children

Aishu sweetheart

My baby went for abacus class
Teacher offered her sweets and she turned them coz "theybhave gelatin". Even though o was tempted aatha she tells me!

I got super angry a bit crazy the other day and slapped ashin hard
Later I found aishu crying
She asked why did you slap him
I hugged her said I shouldn't have

Later after feeding the kids saro came in and I started crying. Angry with him and myself and generally fellong overwhelmed. The kids saw

Layer my baby came in closed the door and told me quietly and kindly
Later when we go to temple you can pray to God to help you be a better mother and to control your strength with your children

Like God talking to me!

Aishu poem 2

Do you know why
I like to stay up till 12
Because
I dont want any insect bites
On my limbs and lungs

Aishu poem

I never wash my hands
I only wash my knees and mouth
I wash my knees till they are silky
Till they fall off

Sweet baby

My baby girl.. am so proud of her
Today after abacus class, her teacher offered her sweets. Her fav sweets. And she said no, though she was tempted. Coz she knew the sweets had gelatin.

A month to go

In a month it will  be my sons birthday
This little sensitive creative genius I have been blessed with turns 8
I feel he is always 5!
I hope school  and life in general doesn't kill his sense of wonder
His confidence his joy in Saturdayshis self reflexive ness

Lovely weekend

This vesak day was lovely.
Especially yesterday.
A day of all five of us at home in unstructured unplanned fun
No alarm. All woke up at work time they pleased. Akshaya latest ar 10am.

Morning did yoga with the baby. Very strict kind encouraging instructor she is
Then I practised my veena
Then breakfast as a family over news. Discussed the end of civil war in Sri Lanka and how horrible it was
Then reading with the baby
Then special time with ashwin. He'd been needing some one on one time
Then the best part. With all three kids... instruments and sandwich making. Not really. I just played with them like they were food and instruments. All of us had a great time. Especially with bum drums

Then kids created their kahoot quizzes while insid drawing with aishu and saro went to meet our insurance agent.

Then I went for veena class.came back to a tearful akshaya and spent time talking to her about the value of need for failure and how to celebrate it. Not beat yourself up

Then kahoot! Akshaya did one on Harry Potter and ashwin on animals. Awesome fun
Then we tried all our older kahoot including the one on the lit syllabus!

Then we went to upper pierce reservoir. Saw monkeys played ball. Saro taught us 7 stones.
Then back ho.e to bathe, dinner and bed.

I ended the movie with a nice episode of black mirror. Where at least for once justice was meted out.  Other episodes all just make me feel very unsettled. This also did but there was a clear resolution.

So was a great Monday!

Sunday was good. I went cycling
So tiring. I was slower than usual. Realised the need for exercise and yoga everyday!
Napped at my parents place watched a BBC show on Tamil Ealam and Father Joseph, one of the hundreds who disappeared off Sri Lanka totally.

Afternoon made food. Masala baked paneer and tofu and masala baked fish.
Wiwit made tomyam bee hoon. 
I got myself a cool haircut
Then at kavitha's house. Where kavitha's cake outshone any birthday cake I have ever done. Sigh.

Sat was good too. I met Amelia for dinner.  Was just lovely. Super posh place where we had a 68 dollar plus plus 7 course dinner and a whole bottle of bubbly white wine by ourselves!

And enrolled aishu in abacus class in the morning.
I went for my veena class too.

Lovely three days indeed

Sometimes

Sometimes my love for you threatens to overflow and I dont know what to do
You light on me like a butterfly
I dare not touch you lest I crush you
I dare not let you go for my heart would burst if you left
And so I stand still, and watch you desperately
So much beauty in one small person
Life force and energy
My sweet unbearable blessing

‐-------
I want to curl you up and crush you into me

Poem akshaya

The Little Girl Who Ate Books

They say she has
Whole worlds inside her,
Characters, larger than life.

They draw from her depths.
Reels and reels unravel.

The Naughtiest Girl,
Harry and Hermoine
A Dog named Shadow
August and Summer
Pippi Longstocking
Mathilda

This could go on...

Hungry caterpillars
Children on bikes chasing down clues
Girls hiding in attics, writing diaries
braving bullets, fighting for rights

Now she's on about mystic lands...

The Magic Faraway Tree
Wardrobes opening into wintery forests
Mount Olympus...

- Akshaya, Aged 10

Poem akshaya

The Little Girl Who Ate Books

They say, sir, she has
Whole worlds inside her

They draw from her depths.
Reels and reels unravel.

The Naughtiest Girl,
Harry and Hermoine
A Dog named Shadow
August and Summer
Pippi Longstocking
Mathilda
...
This could go on sir
...
Hungry caterpillars
Children on bikes chasing down clues
Girls hiding in attics, writing diaries
braving bullets, fighting for rights
...
Now she's on about mystic lands sir
...
The Magic Faraway Tree
Wardrobes opening into wintery forests
Mount Olympus...

- Akshaya, Aged 10

Such questions

I cant answer
My son when he asks
Why, in Tamil movies, do directors make the ladies dress like that for songs?
It's why I dont want you to be an actor
Do the women mind having to dress like that?

Such fun

The baby is five and shes so charming and smart. Listen to me gush
She laid out a word for me yesterday for hangman. Jewel!it was tough guessing it!
And Tamil words too.

Worries

As a parent I worry if i favour one kid over another
I know I dont
I love each one as completely and differently as the other
But I worry Haha
Like aishu being so little and cute and precocious
Ashwin being so creative and cute and emotional
Akshaya being so sweet and responsible and fragile and strong

Was telling saro
We have the responsible one the creative one and the happy one.
So blessed are we!

Weighed down

Weighed down  by the weight of her own words
My baby turned to me in a trembling voice
To say she didnt mean it when she said she didnt  love me

I knew that of course
But she didnt
And she was so affected

What would the be price of those words? 
Would she lose her mothers love
Her right to live her mother?

Must be so terrifying for her to process
Even when I brushed off her need to explain
She insisted
For she had to get those words out and see they didnt have any permanent effect

Now she knows it doesn't
Shes back to her happy baby self

I love her so much!

Whee

In holiday in boracay
What a beautiful place
Kids trying new things
And loving most of it

A clear blue sea with actual fish near the shore
To swim in a sea with fish
Ashwin loves it.
Akshaya is terrified
Aishu ... she cant really see the fish so it's all jus theory for her!

Banana boating.
Swimming in the sea
Parasailing

Diving for me

Akshaya went snorkling in the pool
And she crossed a river of fish at outside. Very happy for her. Shes pleaded with herself too

Aishu finally wore goggles and put her head under water and blew bubbles
At first she said aatha I'm in holiday! Haha to explain why she wont try putting her head under water. Akshaya got her to at last. And she loved it.

Ashwin has tried snorkling in the shallow waters. He was so cute. He said he didnt want to put his head under water in the sea coz he dodnt want to see how deep it was! So real!

Babys thoughts

My five year old was troubled by her own thoughts yesterday

My baby was weighed down by the weight of her own words
She said she didnt love me
And was shocked by her own words
She explained to me later in a trembling voice that she actually does love me
Of course I knew that
I never asked her to re think her words or anything
Babies say I dont love you
You tell then I love you anyway
Clear cut case Haha

But for her
She was shocked by the weight of her words
And needed space and time to explain she didnt mean it
Explaining to her self as well as to me
To be reassured her words have no repercussion
She hasn't lost her mothers love because of her words and her words have had no effect on her own feelings for me

So precious.

The boy who ate books

The Boy Who Ate Books

They say, sir, he has
Whole worlds inside him
Characters, larger than life.
Hmm. Lets'  See.

They draw from his depths.
Reels and reels unravel
Roosters cackling at kings
Farms with filthy animals
People made of boogers
Villains hypnotised into underwear heroes
...
This may never end
...
Men with dog faces
Cute cloned kittens
Tragic policemen turned prisoners
...

Terrifying creatures roam within him
...
Growling Sauroposeidons
Deep sea Mosasaurus
Puny Compsoganathus
...

- Ashwin, Aged 7.5

Akshaya's girl who ate books

The Girl Who Ate Books

"I will confess!" she screams
They strap her down and draw from her depths
Reels and reels unravel
Characters larger than Life
The Naughtiest Girl,
Harry and Hermoine
A dog named Shadow
August and Summer
Mathilda
Pippi Longstocking
...
This could go on sir
...
Hungry caterpillars
Children on bikes tracking down clues
Girls hiding in attics, writing diaries
braving bullets, fighting for rights
...
Now she's on about mystic lands sir
...
The Magic Faraway Tree
Forests with mystical pools
Mount Olympus

The girl who ate books

The Girl Who Ate Books

"I will confess!" she screams
They strap her down and draw from her depths
Reels and reels unravel
Characters larger than Life
A Cow over the Moon,
Black Beauty, Scheherazade
Boxer, A Spider, The Little Prince,
The O Sullivan Twins, Oliver Twist,
Darcy, Heathcliff, Jane,
Christopher O Boone,
Pi, Richard,
Neelkanth
...
This could go on sir
...
Lovers on balconies
Mad women in attics
Detectives with pipes
...
Now she's on about mystic lands sir
...
The Magic Faraway Tree,
Toytown, Hogwarts
Sweet Valley High
Nevernever land...

Theory of evolution

Trilobite to cockroach to date to death by human

Sweet ashwin

Hes 7 and a half.
I love him so
I came home late the other day.
He was supposed to be in bed
He calls me at 10pm
Voice tremulous and breaking
"Aatha I can't sleep. I need a cuddle"

I want to fly up and cuddle him so
I tell saro
Soon he wont be asking for a cuddle like this
We had better go!

My sweet sweet sweet boy
Always so constant hes been
Even as kid.
When I had aishu
He was content to just be in the same room as me when I was feeding her
And even now
He just wants to he with me near me
I love him so

Happy 5th birthday Aishwarya

My baby girl is 5 years old! Shes the baby of the house and the light of our lives
She is my baby joy
My moon beam you cannot catch
The love of my life
Thank you God for my sweetheart
She looks after each of us in the family she goes generously
She is sister to akshaya and brother to ashein
She truly completes this family
Gods package of three for this whole package of 5
His sign of giving abundantly
And I am so blessed. We are so very very blessed to have this baby in our lives.

The one who's got us wrapped around her baby fingers by saying things like

You only scold me because you love me
You wint eat me up coz you couldn't bear for me to be gone
Shes like voice from up above
A star sent down to keep.us close
I love her so much

Mira's birthday party

.We celebrated her birthday in style, at my condo. Decorations were fantastic, music, chairs, cake food, everything was cool.
And we planned it in like 2 days! We only decided to have it at my place on Friday morning and party was on Sat evening!
God was with us and it was super awesome
She looked a doll in her pavadai and gold chain and bangles and pottu