tough qn with the kids

a framed photo of move lace started tears rolling again

it was touching, heart breaking qhen aishu said I can only be happy if I know he is happy and safe and how can I know that

I just cannot accept that he has gone

several storied and questions later, she has gone  off to watch a movie with her brother leaving me to ponder and wonder 

I have to set aside my doubts and fears and worries and despair to attend to theirs. 

I told them stories I had told before bit they needed to hear 

about the kid wanting the ice cream from the ice cream truck opposite the road and how oblivious he is to the truck bearing down the road. how the mother has to hold him back from what he wants for his own good. they laugh. they get it. 

I top up the story with the image of ravi toddling straight to the sea and jeroen running after him to hold him.back. 

we are like children and have to trust God is taking care of us even if we can't understand it

 she says your stories are funny aatha. I was happy to hear that. 

and the story of ganga throwing away the kids into the river for they had only one day left to live before getting moksha

and her questions

 will she be at peace at moksha. 

and I yes, because she would very one with God and know everything and likely love lace will be there to greet her and thank her for love and say sorry for the pain but he had things to do.

again she laughs. she says doesn't moksha to be just her sitting in front of God and meditating that would be boring. and I say yeah  it will be a party. 

.then she asks can I take dog dog with me and I try to explain how the path to moksha is to renounce attachments in this world. don't think she got that.

I talked to her about the aathma seeking the paramathma and she brought up the concepts in the movie soul. how in the movie the soul takes on the properties of the body. e.g. playing music and speaking in his voice when 22 entered the body of the musician. whereas we believe the soul determines the powers of the body. 

that's pretty complex. 

like I said she has asked me questions and now is chilling. I'm puzzling. but so proud of them. they love asking me difficult questions! they love to see me trying to figure out the answers. I love the. for these challenges they give me. I love them. for making me believe in the stories I tell them

for I too am fervently hoping he is safe. either in someone's house being loved and fed. or quickly and with minimum pain dead to end this life a d attain moksha or move on.. 

when o said God protects the innocent she asked me how do I know he is innocent we don't know what he might have done! I love that about her! that she can think such things and still love him unconditionally.  ashwin tells me it's not true God protects the innocent. so many innocent people die all the time. that's why I brought up the ganga story 

then he said those who suffer and die, they ate not reaching moksha? and I said  not really. sometimes we have to pay for sins we did unknowingly or in our previous lives. hard to explain. 

aren't these wonderful questions ans conversations to have with 7 and 19 year olds? 

aishu is like what's not to like about life? why would we want moksha. I jad to talk about the cycle of pain and laughter and how that would be a release. a peace. 

just amazing. I love them. please God protect them.  and our dearest lovelace. 

kalai nigalchi 2021

was a blast! 

all the kids did great. 

a puppet show

a piano recital

a dance 

kids were super involved in all three..

dance they choreographed the whole thing, practised perfected.  akshaya shruthi hasini

puppet show, aishu and ashwin helped co write it. improvised the lines.  

ashwin chose the songs to play and practised 

thank you God! 

he's back with his questions

do you believe in heaven 

do you believe in rebirth 

I do

thank goodness 

but the aim is to gain moksha right, escape the cycle of rebirth 

I'm not gonna get mocha in this life 

why not ashwin 

I don't know I bully aishu too much 

do bullies get moksha? 

and can a person who doesn't really like to pray get moksha 

depends if they have been doing  lot of good deeds perhaps it doesn't matter if they don't like to pray? 

he shared the story of angulimala and meeting Buddha and how he became a thief in the first place 

and then later about poongatru thirumbuma.. I said its a song where the singer sings as though he is really in pain

why is he sad

he is stuck in a relationship where his wife doesn't love him, humiliates hi.s isn't nice to him at all

is he nice to her

what a million dollar question!

writing fun

all three kids love writing.  

ashwin wrote such a thrilling escape.story. he took the most mundane of pics and spinned an adventure

pic. 

bees. water. boy stung. 

he saw wasps.  pond. evil man. 

he wrote

an epic! kid walks home by forest, falls into pond ,rescued by kidnapper he escapes by setting wasps on them. at home no one asks him why he was late so he just had dinner and hoped such incidences wouldn't occur to him again. 

just love his dead pan endings. 

last time round he wrote an adventure concerning a monster in the Bermuda triangle, he photographed the creature, rowed back to sg on a plank, collected his reward foe great photo.nvm all his colleagues who died and the fact the monster still reigns supreme! 

I love his stories. 

akshaya has been writing her fan fiction and losing herself in it. 12 chapter, each at least 1000 words!that's like like thesis and she is only 12. Best part is she enjoying her own stories. weaving in romance  (both heterosexual and homosexual!) 

one of her early pieces as 2.3k reads! so different. wonderful. I thought of the 16 likes to my poem haha! 

 and my baby. she wrote about her pet bird. albeit unwillingly at first she took wrote fast and well and enjoyed herself. Great control of tenses. 

am so proud of them! 

 

family fun

we started family dinners on wed.  yesterday saro couldn't make it. he was sad

instead we all did family drama. 

enacted one of my short stories- copy kitten. saro was a hoot. we all were rolling over laughing as each took on diff roles. 

teachers day fb post

So last week my 7 year old, announced, rather importantly, ""Aatha, I have a question. When everyone is born they know nothing. They learn from somebody, and that somebody must learn from somebody,  and that person must learn from somebody. So who is the first Somebody, the one who knows everything? "

Woah. Was not expecting that. I
took a deep breath and tried.

See we don't just teach people things, then you are right we always need someone who knows more and knows more.  It's important  we teach people HOW to think. So that way, the next generation can know more than the first, sometimes. They can ask different questions, find different answers, create different worlds..

She nods, somewhat convinced,   maybe..

The proof is the asking , don't you think?.She already knows more than me in some things !

Her questions reminded me of a comment my colleague once said, that the act of teaching is meant to be self effacIng, that we teach so we are not needed anymore, and as we teach we erase ourselves. 

Happy teachers day to all my wonderful teacher friends  and colleagues who give so much of themselves to teach our young to be brighter, kinder and more creative than us! Have a blessed celebration and some well-deserved rest! 

baby bird

a little green  featherball

has taken hold of my room,

my time, my thoughts, my heart 

a week ago the little fellow perched outside my window

charming us with his delicate blend of red, pink and green

he flew past once and shocked with some blue hidden along his back

he flew onto my outstretched bowl and now he is at home

hiding me captive with his tiny beak his bright eyes his chirrups and modulating whistles

at meetings I turn to his room ecerytime I hear a squeal 

to see where he may be

or I run to check on him when I don't hear a sound 

my every waking thought is of him

when I am out dropping my kids at classes or wandering the streets

my everybsentenxe starts with my bird my love lace, named after a 19th century mathematician he rules my world entirely 

has he eaten had he drunk is he getting a balanced diet are the sounds startling him 

I actually managed to teach him to jump onto a stick in my hand first with food and now without 

a second today her perched on my arm and my hear it took straight off

the raptures my child's first kiss gave me consumes me again after 6 years 

will this little featherball be with me for longer? I long to hope and yet dare not, he is so tiny the world so big, our attention span and memories so flighty I dare not hope 

but I live for the moment I can  run back to him

singing all the kili songs I can remember 

a love bird he longs for some touch and nuzzles I think, but we both still learning to trust the other 

he likes music when aishu sings or plays the ukulele he sits content and munches on his seeds

tomorrow I will ask 

dance nights

we started this a while back

 dance nights. kids choose the players and we boogie together.  alshaya is graceful and cute. ashwin and aiahu rock it in their own style part running part gymnarpart break dance

it's been fun! 

kind children

how I know I have kind children 

my son sets up my husband's bed for him most nights 

my youngest says 

how can I sleep when I don't know if appa is ok? 

my eldest wants the others not to hurt our knees and backs, looking out for us oldies

thanks to my kids I find out now when my dad is 71, that he likes dancing. not once in my life have I asked him about that! i love dancing I never thought to wonder where that came from..

 

Baby Kicking!

I should re-name this blog Babies and Us - Yes - we are expecting our second child!

I am writing about it today because today is very significant - it's the first day I felt my baby move!

My first one moved (or rather kicked) during a piano concert on Aug 5 2008. At least, that's when I felt it. Now with the second, I am more attuned to the feeling of the baby inside - and .... this is wonderful! feeling baby move was one of the most special things about being pregnant the first time round and I am so happy to have started feeling it already now - I'm 3 months preggy! okay, 3 going on 4 about 3 1/2

still! 1 1/2 months more of enjoyment time!

17 Jan and 5 Aug - I shall remember these dates!

A long days night

For once really, I find it hard to raise my eyes. They hurt! 

Tools ages to sleep

Ashwin was super sick coughing coughing coughing

In his sleep he's complaining I'm not playing with him. Poor chellum 

grill up the windows 1

grill up the window 

for one never knows 

when madness may strike 

the urge to fly may overcome one

kids and their kids

so aishu and ashwin are convinced they don't want to get married! 

but they want children coz babies are so cute

so their plan is to adopt kids together as their own family unit like mathew and marilla in anne of green gables! 

so cute lah these kidsb

book making

we had fun yesterday 

First times are forever

First times are forever 

whether it's that first wet kiss your baby plants on your cheek, 

that you can feel all the way to work on the bus,

or...

massage bliss

today akshaya ans ashwin both gave me a 30 min massage. it was the best 30 min of my life I told them! 

haha well I've had many good 30 min. nothing beats them being born. but you know, at this point this felt so good. and they loved me loving the massage. 

then I gave them a massage. 

made the whole day better

 

we had just watched the show Disney cats. about a cheetah and lion family. lovely show. then bonded with my own baby cats. 

thank you god

ashwin turns 10

 and we had a blast of a party! 

not even that planned 

he invited two friends over - twin brothers. they swam. ashwin aishu joined in the pool

then home and nikhil came then luke came, loved that kids can just walk into our homes like that t- like how I lived in my old block - very special feeling 

they had good, played games - 

then we had a dance night and now babies are watching movies. 

all in all a very very nice day, all the kids enjoyed too - and different kids this time you know - thank you god for making our house party central again. 

other day also, we had Dr Iyankaran and wife, and my parents - and it was fun. 

Happy Birthday Ashwin

 My dear boy tomorrow you are 10.

I cannot begin to tell the joy you are to us, how much we have learnt

Sometimes we aren’t as kind and understanding as we could be with you

Thank you for your love, your patience, the way you show us how to love

Many a time you have made us marvel at your way of seeing the world

Your wonderful memory of dates of singers, famous people and your absentmindedness at homework! Truly the mark of a genius I think

We are blessed to have you in our lives, blessed to watch you grow

We can only pray for guidance on how to bring you up to your potential – you have such gifts to give this world and I pray I pray we don’t crush your spirit and yet bring you up well to contribute to this world

You a blessing my child. Our preciously sweetest blessing in the world.

We love you to bits! 

writing family

I'm so proud of the kids..all three are writing.  

aishu an adventure story that is super promising 

ashwin is writing a sci-fi story set in space 

akshaya is writing beautiful poems 

I'm being published. am serious about wanting to send out a manuscript  y end of the year 

love

I could fill my days 

just gazing on your face 

watching you read,

listening to your prattle. 

I take in every detail,

the way your eyes get all big

and then narrow in a flash,

your face a moving cinema reel, 

expressions flitting across in rapid succession, 

the art with which you roll your eyes 

as you grow from 6 to 7

and become all knowing 

yet still so endearing.

I cannot gaze on you enough, 

cannot thank God enough 

for the gift of you.

Everytime your face crumples,

I long to rush to your aid, 

brandishing a sword 

to cut away the elements that hurt you in any way, 

be it homework or a bully. 

I have to control my impulses,

tell myself to breathe 

before I ask you to breathe, 

to equip you to fight your own battles.

It's hard, when all I want

is to gather you into my arms 

and hold you there,

close to my beating heart.

‐-----------

I could fill my days 

bottom to top

just gazing on your face 

watching you read

listen to your prattle. 

I take in every detail 

like I'm starved 

noting your features and how they shift

the way your eyes get all big and then narrow in a flash 

your face a moving cinema, expressions flitting across in rapid succession 

and the art with which you roll your eyes as you grow from 6 to 7 and become all knowing yet sweet

I cannot gaze on you enough 

cannot thank god enough for the gift of you

everytime your face crumples into tears i long to ride to your aid,  brandishing a sword to cut away the elements that make you cry, be it homework or a bully. 

I have to control my impulses,tell myself to breathe before I tell you to breathe and equip you to fight your own battles.

its hard when all i want is to gather you into my arms and hold  you there, close to my beating heart 

2 random memories

2 random memories popped into my head just now

we saw two teenagers with their puppies, gently taking care of them. 

that recalled to me a video I saw earlier where 2 bug dogs go absolutely frantic when they see their owner jump into a lake, they go a bit mad then jump in after him to save him. 

this then led me to a memory I hold so dear. we were Madurai. near a car park or something in the centre of a busy busy road. Ashwin stepped out of the narrow line we were staying to and aishu started yelling, her voice frantic, Anna Anna! looking at possible oncoming cars and her brother in their way (at least to her mind). he sushed her, annoyed at the attention she was drawing to them. then she started saying, aatha, Anna! drawing my attention to the peril faced by her brother, appealing to me to save him, heedless of his annoyance at her. such pure unconditional protective love.  

then another memory.  thai I've written about but still. the one where I ask ashwin to put his sister to bed as I was not in a good mood and next day I praise him and he says. ya. I think I will stay single!!!!!

early morning

when I see you both in bed, at dawn,

your arms around the other

both curled asleep in the same direction 

a line of drool glistening up the cheek like a tear in reverse, your mouth slightly open,

a tiny face peeping out from under

waves of black hair, eye lashes and curls 

my hearts fills in indescribable ways

I am blessed blessed blessed