mum behaving badly

I don't know what to say

ever since I came back from India I'm so crabby

I have a part of me judging me constantly like my mil

and in turn my hurt comes out in barbs to my kids

the other day I saw my son with her eyes and saw myself as a mum with her eyes

and I was not happy

and I pointed out all his flaws

the way she pointed out all of mine 

and I made him cry 

the way I cried

he sobbed feeling worthless

as I did

then I'm constantly told I'm too loud

guess if I'm constantly told its true

I should do something about it

but it's like a curbing of my spirit

come to think of it

my boss has told me

my colleagues have told me

my husband has told me

my kids tell me everyday many times

I'm loud when I'm excited 

I'm irritated that the kids are so self conscious 

of not wanting to draw any attention to themselves 

that any peep out of me is condemned as embarrassing 

sigh. every kid is embarrassed by their parents at some time. Guess i have come to that time. 

but I behaved quite childishly just now

petulant

dropped my daughter's bag on the pavement and just left them

not sure why I'm behaving like this

saro thought he had misplaced his car key and was so frantic searching for it since Monday. 

turned it it was with me in my jeans pocket and just a few min before I found it I was spiteful enough to reflect on how his mum says I always lose things see how he has lost it

and I found it with me

so she's right again

it's me

I'm loud

I'm indulgent

I'm spoilt 

I'm careless 

I'm cavalier about electricity and money 

and I have to live with me

they have to live with me

not very fun I guess 

not sure what I can do now

right thing to do is apologise for my bad behaviour with both my kids. say I had a lot on my mind.  maybe it is true I'm too loud.  Will try to talk more softly 

not sure whom and where i can he loud with though. 

maybe I can just forget my voice.  

being self pitying now. 

sigh. 

I've childishly taken to deleting all messages from my mil for now. I really don't want to see her anymore. I won't be sharing pics or videos of the kids with her anymore.  I won't ask her how to do things anymore. I'm done. she is just a person far away from me. I won't be inviting her to come over any more.

she takes my kindness for weakness 

my curiosity amd admiration for ignorance.  

I'm done with her judging me constantly. done done done

I need to go back to whom I am

one who sees her children for what they have who they are not for all they lack

not to set measure against which they fail 

but to just see them where they are and love them as they are and teach them my own way

I won't talk outside with my eldest two. only with the youngest 

I'll do my best. 

I don't like myself. that is hard.