Ashwin is here!

Did I tell you that my son is here? my god - it sounds so different!
I have put kannu on my own family I think - but if it's in a private blog - it should not matter right?
anyway, he's here and we are so happy and so proud of him!
His name is Ashwin Ram Saravanan. Pretty cool eh?
I introduce him as Ashwin most of the time.

This boy... he's naturally conceived, brought into this world by the force of his father's desire for a son! and an answer to our prayers too, especially those of my daughter's. God is very very kind you know. He's worked miracles for us to have this baby. First he blessed us with Akshaya - an answer to our many years of prayers and then he's blessed us with Ashwin, an answer to all our prayers again, but specifically Akshaya's, for a thambi paapa.

I have some concerns of course - I'm sure they are natural concerns right? I shouldn't feel guilty about articulating these fears even in a private blog! but ya - I mean, I think its' very important to have siblings. I cherish my relationship with my brother, my growing up years with my brother whom I count as my friend as well as a brother. It's something special, no one else can ever take the place of a sibling. it would have been lonely growing up an only child. especially in this world where both parents tend to work - who would an only child bond with at home? already my daughter tells me of the new world order.
"Mums and Dads go to work. Aunties stay at home to look after the children!" and this is even with my mum around to help with bringing her up!!!!

So yes, more than ever, in this world, in this time and day and age, we need siblings. Am I protesting too much you think? If I am so convinced of this need then why go through all this effor to convince myself?
well... it's like this. I miss my daughter. There, I've said it.
doesn't help that my mum keeps insisting my son needs me more and when she makes all these rather insidious asides like, 'someone likes their first one more, someone wants to spend more time with their first one... " something like that - like it's something wrong.

you know, in actual fact, I'm not liking my first one more - I love them both, this is something I discovered within two weeks of having a second child - time is divided, but not love. I am so happy to have found that out, coz that was another secret worry I had been having.
quotable quote eh?

"When you have more than one child, Time is divided but not Love"
Back to my mom's funny comments - yes, so I dont' love one more than the other. however, I do miss my first one. I am wracked by guilt that I can't spend as much time with her as I would like to.
But, hey, she needs to grow up too right? growing up means growing more independent.

All the Literature I've read, all the people I've spoken to, they all stress the importance of giving time to the first one, of going out of the way not to let the first one feel left out - even my dad has told me that -
haiyah, it's just my mum then. her personality and her beliefs.
For one thing, she tends to prefer boys. just a bit, won't even admit it maybe, but it's there. Then possibly, she believes a new born needs his mum more than a toddler. but seriously, who can quantify these needs huh? many grown ups need their mums very much you know. I for one!

so, I am not going to let my mum's comments bother me. people are who they are and have their own beliefs. for my first one, I had to battle against her beliefs about breastfeeding, but she came around to accept that we wanted to breast feed that we believed in it, more than she did and she respects that. for this child - no problems at all. there's been no battle with regards to breast feeding.
now she probably feels, hey there are so many people to care for the first one, I can just give my attention to the 2nd one. but I can't. sometimes, I just feel like letting the baby cry a little bit longer so I can spend time with my first one, or at least complete my activity with the first one. she already waits very long for me, to complete feeding him changing him etc. Then I get ready to do something with her, and he cries again. and I don't feel like just quitting on her, esp if someone else is around to look out for the boy for awhile or something.
Thank goodness my husband seems to understand. he doesn't judge me for wanting to spend time with akshaya. he understands it. in fact, both of us are trying to spend time with her.

I am very grateful we are here with my parents though. because there are enough people to distract her. my mum, my dad, my brother (wow - she adores him!) and the helper. like last night, wow, I thanked god for her! coz my parents and saro went out and it was just my two children the helper and me at home and the baby was colicky all the time I was with him, - it was exhuasting! and thank god my helper was with Akshaya and she was willing to be with her instead of with me for the whole time - a good 3- 4 hours okay! my dad took her down to play, my mum bathed her, and the helped fed her. amazing! I couldn't have done any of that with baby crying like anything.

I asked her to pray for her brother, coz he was in such pain - just an infant you know - poor thing, and she did, and can you believe it - he burped as soon as she prayed! twice! I tell you, my child speaks to god. only like children can. in full simplicty, innocence and complete belief. it's amazing.
and she helped to burb him too, rubbing his back ever so gently when he was lying on my stomach.
my helper was on the phone and so unable to hear me ask for something to eat. I called out to my daughter, and she came running okay! left her play and came running to see what I wanted. then she went and got the helper, (coz she couldn't open the fridge door) and then went and got me a pear. I was just so hugely touched by everything she did yesterday. I must thank God - God never gives us more than we can handle, ever!
so after all that, when she wanted me to put her to sleep, I just coudn't refuse. she said, "Aatha, can you put me to sleep in payya iyya's room? I miss you!": AAAhhhh.. heart strings literally tugged . so I did. by then my parents and brother had come home and were more than ready to put her to sleep but I bulldozed my way in and claimed that job for myself! baby was crying again, poor darling, but I left him with saro and the helper and my mum! after all, the only thing I could do for him that they can't is give milk and I had aleady been feeding him practically non stop for the past 3 - 4 hours!
course, my mum didn't know all this background. so she felt I was abandoning my crying new born in favour of my toddler! hahaha.. quite understandable too, coz that's how it looked like! feels good to get things out like this!