Ashwin

8Ashwin
Yesterday was a good day. Two meals with kids outdoor play sand play food they obviously enjoyed that was healthy .
Banking that's been due for 5 years now. . Change of address. Akshaya in bed by 9.30.

Then at 10.30 I became monster 😠.
Aishu climbs all over me - OK.  Ashwin jumping all over me - not OK.  Told him him he burst into tears. When I'm tired tears like that bawling whining all hit me in all the wrong places.  I flare up . Got mad at him hit him yelled at him called saro no answer of course typed furious sms to him then finally calmed down .

Ashwin and I hugged each other cried some more and I listened to him.  He distinguished between me saying stop crying which is angry and don't cry which is kind.
Then he told me how he doesn't like the bad pillayar the one who hits him and shouts at him. He's going to throw this bad pillayar out of his heart.  I listened . I told him yes let's shoo away the bad pillayar and hold close the good pillayar.  He told me sorry. I asked sorry for what darling? For being so sad. My heart broke.

I'm reflecting and learning so much. So when he cries like that for what seems like for no good reason to me - he's really truly sad. That's why he cries.  When he says sorry it's not the act of crying but for the feeling that makes him want to cry.

Then his spiel about good and bad pillayar.  He's not assigning my bad behaviour to someone else and good behaviour to god. He acknowledges both are gods but the effects on him - some bad some good.  He's saying lets take control and banish the bad and nurture the good.
I love him so and he loves me too.  I have so much to Learn I am so humbled.

He wants to jump on me coz he sees baby sister doing it and mum laughing and loving it and he wants to enjoy that too. Can't blame him. He doesn't get he's heavier bigger than baby. He's a little jealous of baby doesn't get the double standards.