baby

baby akshaya
she's not been well.
blood in stools for more than a month
and she's going for a scope next week

when I talked about it with my own doctor whom I had gone to see for antibiotics
coz akshaya can't fall sick in this next week
and the burden is on me for I'm down with a flu
I was quite troubled and distracted and worried
more than I had let on
I could see worry etched on saro's brows. and akshaya burst into tears. I had to keep smiling for them and be practical
but after speaking with my doctor and being left alone
I was near tears
for I realised how sad and worried I was
and I needed someone to talk to

but saro was shielding his plate as I sneezed into a tissue.
so I left them all and have retreated here to write. surprising dry eyed though I was in tears earlier on

and I have to endure sounding all cold about things to my mum. i cant be giving in to my worries plus I am I'll. I feel awful. so just explained the facts and heard her own worry.

but I know God is looking out for us.
she's amazing my daughter.
although she cried by the time we got to the sai baba temple she said she was almost looking forward to the hospital stay coz I said wed download movies and take games and books.

she's afraid now of the ghastly mixture she has to take and of the injection to put drips in.

she's a sweetheart. she asked me not to tell her grandmaas she's scared. doesn't want to worry them and doestm want to hear them comforting her as it would o my worry her more. instead she dug into a chicken burger and fell asleep delighted.

to be a child!

I hope the scope reveals what the problem is and that it's not some rare chronic disease that has to be constantly managed. I hope it's something that can be cleared up quickly. I can only pray.

I know God is looking out for us coz that's what he does. and if by his grace she gets better in a week there's no need for scope.
if there is a need for  a scope I shall have to take it that it's best. and that it's to avert some thing far worse.

is this faithful thinking. Faith?
or positive thinking?
or self delusion?

I don't know. it's what I've got though.
adios